I Tried the “Hungry Caterpillar Cleanse” and You Won’t Believe the Results!

If you all haven’t heard of the “Hungry Caterpillar Cleanse”, it’s been really sweeping the internet lately.  Fitness enthusiasts from Melissa Barkov to diet guru Tanya Ellsworth-Browning have been raving about it.  So what is this craze all about anyway?

The cleanse closely follows the food consumed in Eric Carle’s “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by its titular character.  It is heavily-fruit based but it last only a week.  The idea is that anyone can turn from a fat caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.  I needed to lose a few pounds before my friends wedding so I thought I’d give it a try.  Here was my diet for an entire week:

Monday: One (1) Apple.  It seems extreme to start off with, but it wouldn’t be a cleanse without some discomfort.

Tuesday: Two (2) Pears.  It wasn’t so bad if you space out the pears to keep your blood sugar somewhat high.  They must be Bartlett Pears IMO.

Wednesday: Three (3) Plums.  At this point, the third plum seems like you are really gorging yourself.  And by the way, the pounds are just melting off at this point!  It seemed to be really working.  I collapsed only three times this day.

Thursday: Four (4) Strawberries.  Who doesn’t love these?

Friday: Five (5) Oranges.  They suggest you eat all five oranges in one sitting.  This was tough.  Lots of mouth sores.

Saturday: CHEAT DAY!!!   You’re allowed to eat basically anything but the strictest adherents like to play by the book.  They eat and one piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss Cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and a slice of watermelon.

Sunday: Now for the full cleanse.  You are only instructed to eat one green leaf.  This one is tough, especially after all that binging!

I didn’t feel really like a butterfly at this point.  I was pretty tired after this whole ordeal so on Sunday night I crawled into bed and wrapped myself up tight.  I quickly molted off my layers of skin and revealed pure, raw muscle underneath.  Soon, just like a caterpillar, my body released digestive enzymes within my gut to liquify my entire body.   So there I was, laying in bed, basically a big puddle of protein rich slime.

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Here’s me, getting some fresh air on my daily walk. I’d lost nearly all of my bone density and cell integrity, getting my to my goal weight and then some.

I’d say my rating of this diet really depends on me being able to will my body into the rapid cell division required to re-form my internal organs, bones, lymphatic system, GI tract, genitals, etc.  There doesn’t seem to be much direction on exactly how to reassemble myself into the “new me” from the proponents of the cleanse.

So that’s kind of where we’re at now…

C-

Report: 93% of Snowmen Built By Slightly Irritated Adults

Evanston, IL – A recent Northwest University study concluded that nearly all of the snowmen built around the world are done so by exasperated, mildly-grouchy adults.  Despite the reputation as being a wholesome activity of childhood winters, the study found that most children pitch the idea for building a snowman, participate for 13 seconds, then grow bored and complain that they want to go inside and watch Paw Patrol.  This leaves the parent to complete the remaining 22 minutes of work required to complete the average three-sphere snowman.

Parenting Trading Cards

I used to love the old Marvel trading cards.  Primarily because they force ranked every super hero and super villain’s various attributes.  It was a fun game to compare Captain America and Iron Man and argue over who really was stronger.

I think this approach to ranking value can translate into the parenting realm.  Instead of feeling judged by parenting magazines, mommy blogs and your close friends’ Instagram accounts, why not just issue definitive Parent Trading cards.  They’d be complete with attribute ranks, origin story and fun facts.

So below is a draft of mine:

marvel trading card

Local Sports Broadcasters Discreetly Slide Antonio Brown Wad of Money

Pittsburgh, PA – With the Pittsburgh Steelers season ending and with not much left to talk or write about, local pittsburgh sports broadcasters thanked Antonio Brown for his recent drama by sliding a big, fat wad of cash to him from across a mahogany table.

“Keep it coming.  There’s more where that came from,” the faceless representative of local television, radio and print sport journalists said as he calmly put on leather gloves and drove away in a black van.

Local Man’s Right Hand Tired of Unequal Distribution of Grocery Bags

 

Champaign, IL – Resident Steve DuBrook’s right hand has finally had enough.  After years of being saddled with carrying the majority of the grocery bags into the house from the car, his right hand is finally speaking up.  “I feel as though I’m being taken advantage of at this point,” the hand said.  “I understand that I’m stronger than my counterpart, but at some point it becomes ridiculous.”

According to sources the final straw came on a recent trip to Kroger were Steve used his right hand to carry eight grocery bags into the house from the car, while the left hand only had to carry two.  “And my load included a full cantaloupe and some cans of spaghetti sauce.  Lefty had the English Muffins and I think some deodorant.”  According to the right hand’s own personal log of grocery trips, he believes he carries on average a lopsided ratio of at least 4:1 bags.

However, DuBrook’s left-hand is not backing down from the criticism.  “There’s a lot of complaining going on from the Right-Hand camp over workload, but I ask this: How many front doors has he opened?  How many light switches has he flicked with the back of his knuckle?  How many car keys has he retrieved while reaching across the body and into the opposite pants pocket?  There is a division of labor that we all accept and you don’t hear anyone else complaining about it.”