Evanston, IL – A recent Northwest University study concluded that nearly all of the snowmen built around the world are done so by exasperated, mildly-grouchy adults. Despite the reputation as being a wholesome activity of childhood winters, the study found that most children pitch the idea for building a snowman, participate for 13 seconds, then grow bored and complain that they want to go inside and watch Paw Patrol. This leaves the parent to complete the remaining 22 minutes of work required to complete the average three-sphere snowman.
I used to love the old Marvel trading cards. Primarily because they force ranked every super hero and super villain’s various attributes. It was a fun game to compare Captain America and Iron Man and argue over who really was stronger.
I think this approach to ranking value can translate into the parenting realm. Instead of feeling judged by parenting magazines, mommy blogs and your close friends’ Instagram accounts, why not just issue definitive Parent Trading cards. They’d be complete with attribute ranks, origin story and fun facts.
So below is a draft of mine:
Pittsburgh, PA – With the Pittsburgh Steelers season ending and with not much left to talk or write about, local pittsburgh sports broadcasters thanked Antonio Brown for his recent drama by sliding a big, fat wad of cash to him from across a mahogany table.
“Keep it coming. There’s more where that came from,” the faceless representative of local television, radio and print sport journalists said as he calmly put on leather gloves and drove away in a black van.
Champaign, IL – Resident Steve DuBrook’s right hand has finally had enough. After years of being saddled with carrying the majority of the grocery bags into the house from the car, his right hand is finally speaking up. “I feel as though I’m being taken advantage of at this point,” the hand said. “I understand that I’m stronger than my counterpart, but at some point it becomes ridiculous.”
According to sources the final straw came on a recent trip to Kroger were Steve used his right hand to carry eight grocery bags into the house from the car, while the left hand only had to carry two. “And my load included a full cantaloupe and some cans of spaghetti sauce. Lefty had the English Muffins and I think some deodorant.” According to the right hand’s own personal log of grocery trips, he believes he carries on average a lopsided ratio of at least 4:1 bags.
However, DuBrook’s left-hand is not backing down from the criticism. “There’s a lot of complaining going on from the Right-Hand camp over workload, but I ask this: How many front doors has he opened? How many light switches has he flicked with the back of his knuckle? How many car keys has he retrieved while reaching across the body and into the opposite pants pocket? There is a division of labor that we all accept and you don’t hear anyone else complaining about it.”