Study: 98% of Tiny House Purchases End in Murder-Suicide

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Kansas City, KS – A trend in the American housing market may have grave implications according to a study from the University of Kansas Medical Center.  “We found that a vast, vast majority of people buying tiny houses either commit murder, commit suicide or commit both within the first 7 weeks of living in their new residence,” said lead researcher Derek Paulson.

Tiny houses have become a movement for home-buying Americans, especially with millennials who are rejecting the broad commercialism of their parents.  However, the attractiveness of a low mortgage payment and simplified living does not apparently outweigh the fact that trying to jam a family into a 200 sq. ft. home is a recipe for grim death.

In July, Sarah Patterson of Overland Park was sentenced to life in prison only 3 weeks after purchasing a Tiny House for her husband and teenage daughter.  As this study might have predicted, Patterson murdered both members of her family in cold blood.  “There were just never enough plugs for everyone,” she said in a telephone interview.  “It got old real quick.”

Life isn’t all bad for Patterson now that she resides in Douglas County Prison.  “They put me in solitary confinement and it was quite the upgrade.  I didn’t know what to do with all that space!”

Inside the Offices of Raytheon

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After the US launched Tomahawk missiles at Syrian targets, Raytheon’s stock jumped  up $2.25.

Raytheon Employee #1: Hey, did you hear!  Assad used Sarin gas on children!  At least 10 dead!  The US is launching a counterstrike tonight…with Raytheon Tomahawk missiles!

Raytheon Employee #2: Wow!  That’s great!  What are you going to do with your quarterly bonus check?

Raytheon Employee #1: Jeez…I don’t know.  Maybe new towels?

Josef Mengele’s Original Thesis Review

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In 1938 a young Josef Mengele earned his medical degree from Frankfurt University.  As all doctoral candidates must do, he had to defend a thesis.  

Professor #1: Guten Abend Herr Mengele.  Myself and the rest of the board are excited to review your thesis.  You’ve been an exceptional student thus far and I have no doubt that your scholastic insights will be well presented.

Josef Mengele: You speak such kind words Professor.  Thank you for them.  As you remember, I have studied genetics at length.

Professor #2: Yes.  Your work on the genetics of cleft palates has been exemplary.

Josef Mengele: I chose to go a different route for my doctoral dissertation.  I didn’t want to be a one trick pony, so to speak.  I instead shifted to physiology.  I have titled my thesis: Inducing Gangrene Through Metallic Compression Clamps on Live Human Subjects.

Professor #1: Uh…I must have misheard you Herr Mengele.

Josef Mengele: Yes, and the findings that I had were quite revolutionary.  My thesis looked to prove the theory that if you put people’s arms in steel vices, they will turn gangrene and rot.

Professor #1: Hold up…wait, back up…are you serious with that thesis?  Live human subjects?

Josef Mengele: What’s the problem?

Professor #2: Where did you even get live human subjects from?

Josef Mengele: I have a guy.

Professor #1: You have a guy?

Josef Mengele: Yes.

Professor #1: You have a guy who can get you live human subjects to experiment on?

Josef Mengele: Yes.  Doesn’t everyone?

Professor #1: I think we need to adjourn this immediately.  I’m seeing some major red flags here.  If you see something, say something.  Well I’m seeing something right here.  You’re a sick little puppy.  Well, good thing there’s no room for twisted freaks like you here in the science community in Germany.

Professor #2: Now, now.  Let’s not be hasty.  Let’s hear the lad out.  In science they always say, you can’t make a Kartoffelpfannkuchen with out breaking a few eggs.  I’m curious about the results.

Professor #1:  You’re becoming more curious about how wrenching a living person’s arm in a steel vice will affect the development of gangrene causing their arm to rot?

Professor #2: You’re not?

Professor #1: Ok, time to move to Poland.

Is it Garbage Day Today?

Hey Neighbor!  How’s it going?  Crazy weather we’re having lately.  It was like 14 degrees yesterday now it’s all sunny.  Yeah I’m one of those old fogeies that still gets the actual print newspaper.  I don’t know.  I guess because I like the feel and the smell.  Newspaper has a smell.  Yes huh it does.  Well, I couldn’t describe what it smells like exactly.  I guess it just smells like newspaper.

Hey I noticed that you put your garbage cans out yesterday morning.  I saw it when I was driving home.   I’m not trying to be a stickler or anything but you know the municipality has some pretty strict ordinances on when you can put those out.  Well, yours were out at least 24 hours before scheduled pick up.  Yes they were.  They were!  I saw them with my own two eyes.  Why are you getting this upset when you haven’t even heard what I’ve got to say?

What I have to say is this: I’m going to turn you into the police for putting your garbage cans out early.  Yeah, well you can throw your hands up all you want.  I’m still going to do it.  There you go getting defensive again.  That ordinance is there so people don’t just throw trash out at the curb all willy-nilly.  Because.  Because then it would look like a trailer-park and there’d probably be garbage cans rolling around the street all day which is just a hazard to everyone.  The raccoons would have a field day.  But you’d probably enjoy that, wouldn’t you?  I knew you were on their side from day one.

You know it’d be nice for someone to just own up to a mistake instead of getting all defensive like you are.  But that’s America now, right?  Everyone gets a trophy.  Oh please.  That?  That was nothing.  I’m not apologizing because I didn’t do anything wrong in that instance.  If you called the police on me for that they’d totally brush it off.  There’s nothing illegal about that that I’ve seen.  Where does it say that?  Oh so you’re saying that there is some ordinance that says I couldn’t make my own formaldehyde in my garage?  I haven’t seen it.  And even if there was one, which there isn’t, it’s not like I sold it.  Yeah, it was for my own personal use.  Yes it was.  It doesn’t count as a zoning infraction if you aren’t running a business and like I said, I didn’t sell it or anything.  None of your business why I needed so much!  I don’t ask you why you leave your garbage out two days in advance.  It did not “stink up the whole neighborhood” as you put it.  Formaldehyde doesn’t smell at all.  It doesn’t.  Well then google it.  Google “smell” and “formaldehyde” and I’ll bet you come up with zero results.

What do you mean you haven’t “seen my mother around in a while.”  What is that supposed to mean?  She’s been busy at work.  At the store.  The clothes store.  That is too where she works.

You know this neighborhood is really falling apart.  Just please, keep your garbage away from the curb until the time frame specified by the ordinance, ok?

 

 

Mistaken Identity

On the previous day [8 Jan 1493], when the Admiral went to the Rio del Oro, he said he quite distinctly saw three mermaids, which rose well out of the sea; but they are not so beautiful as they are said to be, for their faces had some masculine traits. – Voyages of Columbus 218

Admiral Valez (squinting): Come Leonor, we must paddle this skiff at a brisker pace.  I spotted them in that thrush of trees yonder!

Leonor:  Could the legends be true Admiral?  Do the mermaids truly grant a man all of his earthly desires?

Admiral Valez: If the old books are to be read true, then aye.  There!  Do you see?  They’ve poked their heads out of the water to greet us.  They’re beauty has not been falsely described.  Don’t you agree Leonor?

Leonor: They…uh…they look pretty fat from here Admiral.

Admiral Valez (squinting): Nonsense!  These voluptuous creatures will fulfill our inner most desires.  Young maidens!  Please hold there.  We shall come to thee!

Leonor: Uh, are you sure those are mermaids?  They look like they have whiskers.

Admiral Valez: They live in the wild you fool.  What method have they to make themselves up like the whores in Lisbon?

Leonor: Ok, as we’re getting closer, I don’t think those things aren’t mermaids.

Admiral Valez:  Preposterous.

Leonor: No, those are definitely manatees.

Admiral Valez: Call them what you will, but unless you join me in the water, I shall be making love to all three of the lovely ladies of the sea!

Admiral Valez dives in.  20 minutes go by.

Admiral Valez: A hand Leonor. Help your Admiral back into the boat.

Leonor: Well, how was it?

Admiral Valez:  I…I… may need to get my eyes checked.  No regrets or anything, but…yeah…I should definitely see an optometrist or something soon.

This is a real thing…. http://news.nationalgeographic.com/2014/11/141124-manatee-awareness-month-dugongs-animals-science/