Ode to the Township Newspaper Sitting at the Edge of My Driveway for 4 Days

Woe to those who scribble stories.
Woe to those who jot
Regarding WPIAL Swim meet schedules.
You do this all for naught. 
Despite your best efforts
to bring good local news to me,
I can’t bring myself to read you
So you’ll languish endlessly
At the edge of my driveway
Where you were tossed on Wednesday morn.
And you lay there still on Friday.
What have you done to earn my scorn?
You say Bethel Park Library
Will have an E-Recycling day.
You say there’ll be a clothing drive
For the Bridgeville Rotary.
Your pages are filled with good news
And wholesome gardening tips.
And when the Mt. Lebo School Board meets
And how some third-graders watched an eclipse.
I’m addicted to doom-scrolling on Reddit
And I know they tell me lies.
But even still…
You’ll grow soggy on my driveway
Until garbage day arrives.

Lollygagger at Gym Still Somehow Pretty Ripped

Mishawaka, IN – Despite being on his phone for at least forty two minutes of his hour long gym trip, YMCA member Daniel Rosen still looks pretty big, all things considered.

“I usually get to the gym, spend two to fifteen minutes pairing my Bluetooth earbuds with my phone,” said Rosen.  “Then I’ll do about ten yoga push-ups and move over to the Kettlebells and look at them for a bit.  I’ll get out the foam roller and massage my T-bands, sometime pausing to talk to the female personal trainer who is way younger than me.  Then I follow that up with a thorough cool down of checking Instagram while loitering in the squat rack.”

Gym goers also reported curiosity as to what kind of job Rosen has that he can spend 90 minutes playing grab-ass at the gym in the middle of the day.



Report: Guy Reading The Scripture Passage Must Have Different Translation Than You Or Something

Phillipsburg, PA – Citing confusion when hearing church elder Tom Portnoy read the words “a great assembly of the heavenly forces”, parishioners at Old Bethlehem Church concluded that his Bible must be a different translation or something. Interchanging the word “vision” with “dream”, and “protect” with “safeguard”, Mr. Portnoy continued his incongruent scripture reading, fostering concern amongst the late-Sunday service.

“I’m following along and my pew Bible says ‘a multitude of the heavenly hosts’,” said long-time church member Anne Belkin.  “I’m not sure where Tom’s getting all this ‘assembly of heavenly forces’ nonsense.”

Church-goers also noted that Tom’s Bible was red and theirs was black, leading them to believe that Tom had some kind of fancy-pants Bible that was only meant for scripture readings.