Mishawaka, IN – Despite being on his phone for at least forty two minutes of his hour long gym trip, YMCA member Daniel Rosen still looks pretty big, all things considered.
“I usually get to the gym, spend two to fifteen minutes pairing my Bluetooth earbuds with my phone,” said Rosen. “Then I’ll do about ten yoga push-ups and move over to the Kettlebells and look at them for a bit. I’ll get out the foam roller and massage my T-bands, sometime pausing to talk to the female personal trainer who is way younger than me. Then I follow that up with a thorough cool down of checking Instagram while loitering in the squat rack.”
Gym goers also reported curiosity as to what kind of job Rosen has that he can spend 90 minutes playing grab-ass at the gym in the middle of the day.
Phillipsburg, PA – Citing confusion when hearing church elder Tom Portnoy read the words “a great assembly of the heavenly forces”, parishioners at Old Bethlehem Church concluded that his Bible must be a different translation or something. Interchanging the word “vision” with “dream”, and “protect” with “safeguard”, Mr. Portnoy continued his incongruent scripture reading, fostering concern amongst the late-Sunday service.
“I’m following along and my pew Bible says ‘a multitude of the heavenly hosts’,” said long-time church member Anne Belkin. “I’m not sure where Tom’s getting all this ‘assembly of heavenly forces’ nonsense.”
Church-goers also noted that Tom’s Bible was red and theirs was black, leading them to believe that Tom had some kind of fancy-pants Bible that was only meant for scripture readings.
New York, NY – The newest addition to the New York Jets is already causing drama. After a prolonged and bitter contract battle with his former employers, The Pittsburgh Steelers, running back Le’Veon Bell is already demanding a new deal. According to Bell’s agent, he is looking for a 15 year, $512 million contract with guaranteed money “exceeding that of Angels’ Outfielder, Mike Trout.”
“I know my worth and I know that I could play baseball at the highest level if I wanted to,” Bell said on Twitter. “I don’t want to put the wear and tear on my body because it may limit my options to become an All-Star Center Fielder next year.”