Dayton, OH – Seeing that the Mendhelson’s are the only ones in the entire neighborhood with their garbage cans by the curb tonight, local residents of the Tall Timber housing development are wondering if they are missing out on something. “Everyone puts their garbage out on Wednesday Night. It’s Tuesday night,” said one bewildered neighbor. “What does Mendhelson know that I don’t?”
Several residents wondered if Mendhelson had the inside track on some type of little-known government holiday that effected the trash collection. Others had to double check that it was in fact Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. Many decided to follow Mendhelson’s lead anyway, putting their garbage cans out as well for the sake of uniformity.
When reached for comment, Dan Mendhelson shrugged, “Is it only Wednesday? Huh…kind of felt like a Thursday.”
Washington D.C. – Democrats are furious this week after an FBI probe revealed that Jared Kushner is a member of an ancient monastic organization of evil Force users.
“The conflict of interest in this situation is deeply troubling,” said Rep. Ted Lieu (D-CA). “We can have no way of knowing if this Administration has been infected by the ways of the Sith. Or if they are secretly steering US policy.”
It appears that problems with Kushner’s affiliation is not a partisan issue either. A growing number of Republicans are interested in sniffing out Kushner’s ties. “I’m not saying he did anything wrong,” said Senator John Thune (R-SD). “However, I think it’s at least important the American people know if the President has, in fact, been under some kind of Force-driven mind control. We’re all owed that.”
The FBI retrieved a number of suspicious tax documents for Kushner Companies, the real-estate-holding company of which Kushner serves as CEO. The documents show that from 1999-2015, Kushner signed his checks “Darth Sindar”. This has two grave implications. First, with a title like Darth, we can assume that Kushner is not just affiliated with the Sith, but in fact a Sith Lord and master of the Dark Ways. Second, and perhaps more disturbing, since it is the law of the Sith that for every master, there must be a student, one could safely assume that there is another Sith planted in a different branch of the government.
Kansas City, KS – A trend in the American housing market may have grave implications according to a study from the University of Kansas Medical Center. “We found that a vast, vast majority of people buying tiny houses either commit murder, commit suicide or commit both within the first 7 weeks of living in their new residence,” said lead researcher Derek Paulson.
Tiny houses have become a movement for home-buying Americans, especially with millennials who are rejecting the broad commercialism of their parents. However, the attractiveness of a low mortgage payment and simplified living does not apparently outweigh the fact that trying to jam a family into a 200 sq. ft. home is a recipe for grim death.
In July, Sarah Patterson of Overland Park was sentenced to life in prison only 3 weeks after purchasing a Tiny House for her husband and teenage daughter. As this study might have predicted, Patterson murdered both members of her family in cold blood. “There were just never enough plugs for everyone,” she said in a telephone interview. “It got old real quick.”
Life isn’t all bad for Patterson now that she resides in Douglas County Prison. “They put me in solitary confinement and it was quite the upgrade. I didn’t know what to do with all that space!”
Harvard, CT – A study from Harvard Medical Center shows an alarming trend in male biology. Experts have long believed that the average US male has lost his musk over the past decade, but there was never a study large enough to validate the theory.
“We can confirm based off empirical evidence, that American men are losing their tang, their odor, their bouquet,” said Dr. Jacqueline Mastesa. “It is an alarming trend that is on the verge of being a national crisis.”
The longitudinal study collected data from test subjects over the past 11 years. In that period, the average man lost 35% of his musk. Musk is an vital feature of human physiology. The aroma interferes with a female’s olfactory senses, thus preventing them from being absolutely revolted by a man’s sweaty, hairy, disgusting body. It is therefore critical to reproduction and the propagation of the human species.
Some theories as to the cause of the loss of male pungency range from the rise of sedentary work environments, to different food additives, to the release of James Blunt’s hit 2006 song “You’re Beautiful” . However, there is no medical consensus. “We feel that this study validates our concerns,” said Dr. Mastesa. “We can now move forward in the hopes that we can one day restore men’s base-line stank to at least 1980’s levels.”
NBC’s weekly tear-jerker “This is Us” will be airing its season finale tonight and creator Dan Fogelman says to prepare for the worst. “In one season we tapped the well in terms of tragic life events. Someone died from cancer, there was a heart attack, a suicide attempt, a nervous breakdown, a drunk driving death,” Fogelman said. “So we thought to ourselves ‘How can we go bigger?'”
Fogelman is staying mum on the story arc but a source close to the writer’s room said viewers should ready themselves tonight for “a grim genocide.” Details are scarce at this point but the source believes that since viewers of the show have numbed themselves to the stark heartbreak packed into each and every episode, Fogelman and team have decided to serve up a “sweeping scythe of cold death” in order to elicit any type of emotion.
Some fans of the show have already hatched their own theories. One fan tweeted that “Milo Ventimiglia’s car is full of fertilizer bombs and he’s driving it to a Native American Reserve.” Other fans believe that the character of Randall, played expertly by Sterling K. Brown, will go on a race-fueled poisoning spree after he quit his lucrative job last episode.