The Trip to the Beach


I’m going on vacation in a few weeks.  We’re planning on making the long, long trip.  My wife is a real help driving too.  She falls asleep immediately.  It’s like that Lunesta Butterfly follows her into the passenger seat and sings her “Hush Little Baby.”  I’ll be driving for 6 hours and finally hit a bump, she’ll open her one eye, yawn, and say “Want me to drive for a bit?” then fall back asleep.

You get to sample all of the regional chain restaurants on your way down there.  West Virginia has Shoney’s.  If Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, Shoney’s is the polar opposite.  There is always…ALWAYS…someone beating their child in a Shoney’s parking lot.  It’s like the fourth law of thermodynamics.  Entropy ceases at absolute zero and there’s some kid with a buzzed mohawk getting walloped at a Shoney’s.  Also, every time I’ve pulled into Shoney’s, a busload of high school marching band members has arrived right before me.

North Carolina has this place called Fat’s.  I’ve never been there before and when you go into one of these places you should play it safe.  Get a turkey club or a grilled cheese or something.  The first time I ventured into Fats, I decide I was going to roll the dice and got the Sante Fe Clam Bake.  The windows were down for the next 40 miles.


Marcus Lemonis’ “The Profit” Script Template


There’s a show on MSNBC called “The Profit.”  It features Marcus Lemonis, a venture capitalist, investing in failing businesses and turning them around.  It’s a great show but it gets very repetitive:


  1. Marcus learns about quaint business and their financial troubles.  “I put $750,000 into this hot dog stand.”
  2. Family Patriarch reveals that he has “risked everything” for the business.
  3. Marcus meets son/daughter of proprietor.  Usually they are an industrious open-minded, go-getter with big ideas that can’t get implemented because their dad is stuck in the past.
  4. Marcus makes offer to buy a portion of the business.  He is typically very sun-burned.
  5. Marcus suggests surface-level changes that only an idiot wouldn’t have seen.  “Ok, what if we put the merchandise on some sort of sales floor?”
  6. It is revealed that family patriarch fudged a portion of the business, leading Marcus to lose trust.  “A party boat is not a tax write-off.”
  7. Emotional conversation between patriarch and son/daughter.  Marcus is increasingly sun-burned.
  8. Changes are being made.  Montage of graphics saying “Margin increase” and “ROI.”
  9. 5 minutes left in the show.  They are not going to wrap this up on time.
  10. Last minute re-cap of the new business with no closure whatsoever.

Knot in Extension Cord Has Become Sentient

Ft. Worth, TX – After several attempts to untie and de-loop, scientists have confirmed that a knot in an extension cord in resident Dylan Eastbrook’s garage has become a thinking, calculating, sentient entity unto itself.  The knot in the RIGID 100-ft cord indoor/outdoor cord registered its first thought on July 7th, 2014.

“Damn thing just keeps getting worse!”  Eastbrook exclaimed.  “It’s like it’s got  a mind of its own.”

The cord was originally used by Eastbrook to power his hedge trimmer for routine landscaping.  After his yard work was done, the Ft. Worth man attempted to wrap and store the cord.  Ignoring the advice his father repeatedly gave him throughout his youth, Eastbrook just went all willy-nilly with the damn thing and he didn’t do the arm-loop trick like he was supposed to.   The knot was created and became self-aware at 2:09 PM Sunday afternoon.  Soon after, it began to learn at a geometric rate.

The knot, perhaps sensing its owner’s attempt to untie it, only tightened its defenses, weaving itself into a series of complex fractal patterns.  To defend itself against humanity, the knot has now launched nuclear missiles under its command at Russia.

Pens Announce Off-Season Goal: Find Suitable Center for Jussi Jokinen

(Pittsburgh, PA)  In the wake of last night’s series loss to the New York Rangers, the Pittsburgh Penguins are already in re-building mode.   The topic in team meetings early this morning was how to obtain a remotely competent Centerman for team MVP, Jussi Jokinen.  Jokinen, who was traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins from Carolina in exchange for a conditional 6th or 7th round pick, led the team in Playoff point production with 7 goals and 3 assists.  Easily the team’s best player and most important asset, the Penguins have not only committed to keeping the Finnish winger but to find him a Center that can actually do something with the puck.

During the meeting, discussions were also had on potentially making Brian Gibbons the new General Manager.