Author: Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle
Lollygagger at Gym Still Somehow Pretty Ripped
Mishawaka, IN – Despite being on his phone for at least forty two minutes of his hour long gym trip, YMCA member Daniel Rosen still looks pretty big, all things considered.
“I usually get to the gym, spend two to fifteen minutes pairing my Bluetooth earbuds with my phone,” said Rosen. “Then I’ll do about ten yoga push-ups and move over to the Kettlebells and look at them for a bit. I’ll get out the foam roller and massage my T-bands, sometime pausing to talk to the female personal trainer who is way younger than me. Then I follow that up with a thorough cool down of checking Instagram while loitering in the squat rack.”
Gym goers also reported curiosity as to what kind of job Rosen has that he can spend 90 minutes playing grab-ass at the gym in the middle of the day.
Report: Guy Reading The Scripture Passage Must Have Different Translation Than You Or Something
Phillipsburg, PA – Citing confusion when hearing church elder Tom Portnoy read the words “a great assembly of the heavenly forces”, parishioners at Old Bethlehem Church concluded that his Bible must be a different translation or something. Interchanging the word “vision” with “dream”, and “protect” with “safeguard”, Mr. Portnoy continued his incongruent scripture reading, fostering concern amongst the late-Sunday service.
“I’m following along and my pew Bible says ‘a multitude of the heavenly hosts’,” said long-time church member Anne Belkin. “I’m not sure where Tom’s getting all this ‘assembly of heavenly forces’ nonsense.”
Church-goers also noted that Tom’s Bible was red and theirs was black, leading them to believe that Tom had some kind of fancy-pants Bible that was only meant for scripture readings.
Frosted Mini-Wheat Texture Timeline
Neighbors with Garbage Cans Out A Day Early Must Know Something You Don’t
Dayton, OH – Seeing that the Mendhelson’s are the only ones in the entire neighborhood with their garbage cans by the curb tonight, local residents of the Tall Timber housing development are wondering if they are missing out on something. “Everyone puts their garbage out on Wednesday Night. It’s Tuesday night,” said one bewildered neighbor. “What does Mendhelson know that I don’t?”
Several residents wondered if Mendhelson had the inside track on some type of little-known government holiday that effected the trash collection. Others had to double check that it was in fact Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. Many decided to follow Mendhelson’s lead anyway, putting their garbage cans out as well for the sake of uniformity.
When reached for comment, Dan Mendhelson shrugged, “Is it only Wednesday? Huh…kind of felt like a Thursday.”