Phillipsburg, PA – Citing confusion when hearing church elder Tom Portnoy read the words “a great assembly of the heavenly forces”, parishioners at Old Bethlehem Church concluded that his Bible must be a different translation or something. Interchanging the word “vision” with “dream”, and “protect” with “safeguard”, Mr. Portnoy continued his incongruent scripture reading, fostering concern amongst the late-Sunday service.
“I’m following along and my pew Bible says ‘a multitude of the heavenly hosts’,” said long-time church member Anne Belkin. “I’m not sure where Tom’s getting all this ‘assembly of heavenly forces’ nonsense.”
Church-goers also noted that Tom’s Bible was red and theirs was black, leading them to believe that Tom had some kind of fancy-pants Bible that was only meant for scripture readings.