Total Jokes 10/16/17


  • A nutritional study in India has revealed that 40% of children are under-nourished while 33% are obese.  Bad news for Indian health policy makers; terrible news for Indian see-saw salesmen.


  • Jenniffer Gonzalez-Colon, Congressional Representative for Puerto Rico has said that President Trump has given, “Everything we asked of him.”  This is not the first time Trump has said, “See? She was asking for it!”


  • Scientists report that two neutron stars have collided resulting in the creation of gamma rays and heavy elements like gold.  In a related note, scientists are happy to also report the sighting of an Intergalactic Hulk Pimp.


  • A 15 year old, one-legged water polo player is on the verge of leading his team to another State Championship in Michigan.  Meanwhile, I got sad when it was rainy yesterday.


  • Colin Kaepernick has accused the NFL owners of colluding to keep him out of the league.  NFL owners have said that they were not colluding but just playing Contain.

“The Magnitogorsk Candidate”

After the Penguins Stanley Cup Event at the White House, President Donald Trump is sitting on a out of the way couch in the Press Room.  Staffers and athlete’s mill about taking pictures, making phone calls.  The President seems foggy.  Melania sits by his side.

Melania: Are you all right, dear?  You had horrible nightmares last night.

Trump: I had that dream again.  The one where I was in a Russian grain silo.  The one where I did horrible things.   And I remember lights.  Or maybe I dreamt the lights….like an operating room.  Shining down on me.

Melania: It was just a dream, darling.

Trump: It…it felt or…I suppose it feels…real.  Like swimming in and out of memories.  And the wires and the lights.  The nightmare…I’ve lived it so many times.  I know it so well.  Have I…have I… done horrible things?

Melania: Oh, my sweet one.  We’ve all done horrible things.

Melania nods to Evgeni Malkin.  The Penguins Center moves effortlessly across the room, shaking hands and smiling along the way.  He sits down next to Trump.  Melania stands and attends to the guests.  The loud din of the room masks their conversation.

Malkin: President Trump?

Trump: Yes?

Malkin: President Donald Trump?

Trump: Uh-huh.

Malkin: President Donald J. Trump?

Trump: …yes.

Malkin: Listen.

Trump’s eyes turn vacant.  His shoulders go slack.

Malkin: Now then.  The plan to bring about the downfall of the American Presidency is coming along nicely  However, there is still work to do, comrade.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  By then end of the week you must tell the American public that Christopher Columbus was a great man and should be honored or else they’ll be put in jail.  You’ll tell Chinese President Xi Xiping to “keep your bitch in check” after Kim Jong Un test fires another missile.   Finally, tweet something hurtful about Taylor Swift.  That should gut any remaining support in the heartland.

Trump: Yes, ma’am.

Malkin:  We’re almost there, comrade.  родном углу всё по нутру.

Trump: I don’t remember you.  Are we friends?  I’d like to believe that we’re friends.

Malkin: Of course we are.

Trump smiles.

Malkin: When you smile… oh darling, when you smile, that’s what I live for. When you smile.  Now then, you may go ahead an play a little solitaire.

Malkin stands up and walks back over to his teammates.  Trump sits alone, flipping imaginary cards onto a coffee table.