Month: August 2017

If You Can’t Find This Buried Treasure, Then Your Junior Year Was a Complete Waste of Both of Our Time.

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Well Kyle I think we both know why I called you into the office so if you don’t mind I’m just going to jump right into it.  I know I’m the principal at this school and you’re probably going to roll your eyes at whatever I say here.  But I want you to know that I have your best interest at heart.  It’s my job to make sure you are on the right path and I think you know that deep down.

That being said, you’re not even close to finding the treasure anymore.

I know you’re 17 and you probably think you’re right about everything.  But I’m here to tell you that you are way off on the treasure thing.  You’re not even close anymore.  You were back in May after you solved that cryptogram underneath the overpass, but you’ve been absolutely blowing it ever since.  I don’t know if all the homework and baseball practice is finally starting to catch up with you but you’ve taken your eyes off the prize: a steamer trunk full of Spanish Gold bullion and ancient jade statues.

Part of it is that I want to be sure that this school has done its job educating you.  I mean, if you can’t use a sextant to find the angular distance between the North Star and the coordinates of the treasure then I honestly have to ask myself if we, as educators, have done enough for the student body.   I’m sure you’ve read in the paper about how our Way-Finding curriculum is getting cut out because of the state budget.  With Trump in office and this Betsy DeVos character, I’m sure our Cartography club is going to suffer too.

But god damn it you were close.  You were warm.  Warmer than hell.  Didn’t I tell you that?  I kept saying how warm you were right around May.   Remember that?  But you kept making mistakes.  And now, you’re ice cold.

Sure.  I could just tell you where it is, but that’s not my job as your principal.  My job is to mold young people into young adults.  My job is to prepare you for the real world.  And in the real world, you’re not just going to get a ancient oaken chest filled to the brim with ancient gems and priceless metals handed to you.  You gotta work for it.  Remember your SAT’s?  Remember how hard you thought that was?  Well you worked of it and now you’re going to Pitt Greensburg, right?  This is the same thing except instead of memorizing analogies, you have to potentially fend off Yemeni pirates.  It’ll be hard work, but I think you can do it.

I believe in you.  Now go.  When the moon is in the fifth phase, the light will show you the way.  And you’re wasting time.

Total Jokes: 8/22

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

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A cryptic Instagram video released by Taylor Swift shows nothing but a snake slithering against a black background.  Fans believe that the video is Swift is either trying to put her haters on notice or chronicling her escape from the Temple of Doom.

A 25-year-old man is in custody after he was caught trying to blow up a statue of Confederate Army Major Dick Dowling.  This news has lead to many American’s to believe that Major Dick Dowling would make a great porn name.

Comedy legend Jerry Lewis died this week.  His memorial service will take place at Synagogue Beth-El Flavin’ Nice Lady Hoy!

Cleveland Brown’s Quarterback Jack DeValve became the first white player to kneel during the national anthem.  Predictably, it just didn’t seem as cool afterwards.

The website http://www.CelebJihad.com is under fire for publishing hacked nude photos of Tiger Woods.  The Pulitzer Prize commission is reportedly debating on whether or not to retract http://www.CelebJihad.com’s many, many awards.

 

Report: Nation’s Men Losing Their Musk

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

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Harvard, CT – A study from Harvard Medical Center shows an alarming trend in male biology.  Experts have long believed that the average US male has lost his musk over the past decade, but there was never a study large enough to validate the theory.

“We can confirm based off empirical evidence, that American men are losing their tang, their odor, their bouquet,” said Dr. Jacqueline Mastesa.  “It is an alarming trend that is on the verge of being a national crisis.”

The longitudinal study collected data from test subjects over the past 11 years.  In that period, the average man lost 35% of his musk.  Musk is an vital feature of human physiology.  The aroma interferes with a female’s olfactory senses, thus preventing them from being absolutely revolted by a man’s sweaty, hairy, disgusting body.  It is therefore critical to reproduction and the propagation of the human species.

Some theories as to the cause of the loss of male pungency range from the rise of sedentary work environments, to different food additives, to the release of James Blunt’s hit 2006 song “You’re Beautiful” .  However, there is no medical consensus.  “We feel that this study validates our concerns,” said Dr. Mastesa.  “We can now move forward in the hopes that we can one day restore men’s base-line stank to at least 1980’s levels.”