World’s First: Guys Who Saw A Mermaid

We go back in time and join the remnants of a small Assyrian boat crew lost on The Great Sea.  Their voyage has lasted for months and peril has followed them at every turn.  A great squall took their mates and supplies.  They have been without food or drink for two days.  The sun blinds them. Aunier & Mardohk are losing hope…

Mardohk: Brother, the wind stirs.  We must catch it while it lasts if we have any hope of returning home.

Aunier: What is the use?  There is no land in sight.  I have no strength to steer this vessel to safety.  We should allow the gods to take us now.

Mardohk: Wait shut up!  Did you just see that?

Aunier: See what?

Mardohk: Dude, I swear I just saw some smoking hot chick pop out of the water.

Aunier: All the way out here?

Mardohk: Look!  There she goes again.

Aunier: That’s a manatee.

Mardohk: No, it’s not.  It’s a lady.  What’s up sweet thang!    Dang, look at the rack on that!

Aunier: A lady with a big flipper tail in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea?

Mardohk: Ok so she might not be a lady.  She’s uh…a uh…mermaid.

Aunier: What’s a mermaid?

Mardohk: It’s a half fish, half beautiful lady.  I’m falling in love.

Aunier: You are delusional.  I know we’ve been without any food or water for a while but egads man. Pull yourself together.

Mardohk: Look here’s the bottom line.  I’m hungry.  I’m thirsty.  I’m sun-blind.  We’re either going to make sweet love to each other or to that…mermaid.   Your choice.

Aunier: Fine.  I get top half.

Mardohk: Deal!

French Gift

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

French Politician #1 : You know who I can’t stand?

French Politician #2: The Dutch?

French Politician #1: Yes, but who else?

French Politician #2: The English, the Welsh, the Germans, the Russians, the Bulgarians, most Algerians?

French Politician #1: Yes to all of those, but America is really annoying me lately.

French Politician #2: Oh, I know!  They’re so full of themselves.  They get one Constitutional Democracy up and running and think they are all that.

French Politician #1: You know what would be funny?

French Politician #2: Jerry Lewis marathon?

French Politician #1: No.  Let’s send them a gag gift!

French Politician #2: That’s hilarious, like what?

French Politician #1: What about like a big, bright, expensive copper statue?

French Politician #2: Lol.  They’re just getting their country started.  Where the heck are they going to put that?

French Politician #1: That’s the beauty, they’ll feel socially obligated to put it somewhere prominent like a coastline or a bay or something.  But it will look ridiculous!

French Politician #2: Doesn’t bright copper turn a nasty green when it’s near water?

French Politician #1: Lol.  Yes!  That’s the joke.

French Politician #2: You know what we could do too?

French Politician #1: What?

French Politician #2: We could put an inscription on it that basically invites all the worst people in the world to go to America.

French Politician #1: Sacré bleu!  Those idiots will probably think it’s a metaphor of how they’re a beacon of freedom, but in reality, it’s an advertisement for scumbags of all nationalities, religions, and ethnicities to rent apartments there!

French Politician #2: How will we pay for this?

French Politician #1: We’ll keep telling America that we’re almost done with it but we ran out of money and those ding-dongs will pay for it themselves!


Total Jokes – 7/4/17

Vladimir Putin brought his pet labrador to a security meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who is scared of dogs.  Taking this as a cue, Donald Trump has promoted a ventriloquist dummy to Secretary of State.

A Major League Baseball umpire Monday sued the league for racial discrimination.  It’s hard to imagine the same people that brought you Chief Wahoo could be capable of racial discrimination.

Volvo’s Australian trial runs for self-driving cars are experiencing difficulties because of the vast number of Kangaroos crossing the roads thus confirming all stereotypes about Australia.

NASA has publicly denied outrageous claims by some conspiracy theorists that there are child slave colonies on Mars.  It does not refute the fact however, that it has been receiving some disturbing messages from the Mars Rover.

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