In past weeks, I had been devoting my time to writing jokes for the Roast of Darth Vader, held on May the 4th at the Arcade Comedy Theater.  As the premier sandy-haired, whiny protagonist of the Pittsburgh Comedy scene, I was given the role of Luke Skywalker.  Since my mental faculties have been held hostage by this event, I will share the fruits of my labors.  The following Roast Jokes are from the perspective of Luke:

Princess Leia – Amanda Averell

• Everyone always gives me crap about being initially attracted to Leia.  I’m a radicalized, religious zealot that lives in a desert.  Inbreeding is kind of par for the course.  And if you were my first cousin, you better believe I would have just gone for it.  

 

• I killed 300,000 Imperial employees with one proton torpedo.  I’m like the Timothy McVeigh of space.  You think I’m going to draw some moral line at nailing my sister?

 

Jawa – Alex Stypula

• OK so real quick funny story about this Jawa and me.  One day I’m out at the Tosche Station trying to pick up some power converters.  I run into this son of bitch out there and we get to talking.  He says to me he says, Luke, God Damn it I’m thirsty, let’s go grab a drink at the Cantina.  And I didn’t have shit to do the rest of the the day so I agree.  We go there around 2:30 in the afternoon.  Well one drink turns into 2 turns into 3 turns into 12 and the next thing you know I’m climbing in my T-16 and I’m hammered.  Well this guy is outside saying, “Luke you’re too drunk to drive through Beggar’s Canyon.”  And like pleading with me to not drive.  I said to him, I said “Listen, weiner get in and I’ll show you what I can do.”  So he get’s in and we are cruising through the Tattoine desert.  I mean I definitely shouldn’t have been driving and I know this sounds like kind of a scumbag thing to say, but I’m actually a really good drunk driver.  So we’re cruising, having a good time, listening to some Hootie and the Blowfish (yeah that’s how popular that one album is, it made it all the way back in time and to a galaxy far, far away.  That song hold my hand has special meaning for me now).  I see all these little Wamprats scattering all over the place as I’m flying, these little brown things with beady eyes.  So I start blasting them.  I’m drunk as all hell and I’m bulls-eying these Wamprats at 400 meters.  I pulled over to be like “You see this dude!?” (“Hold my bionic hand!  I want you to hold my bionic hand!) and this bastard’s been like asleep the whole time.  So I pass out too.   I wake up the next morning.  Just piles of dead Jawas.  Mounds of dead, charred bodies of literally hundreds of jawa corpses.   I guess I thought they were wamprats and man, I did a number on them.  Luckily this guy is so twisted, you are twisted buddy.  He thought it was pretty funny.  We still cool?

C3PO – John Dick Winters 

• The odds of you telling a good joke tonight were approximately 9347 to one!

 

• I don’t get it.  You speak over 6 million languages but for your speaking voice you settled on foppish English Dandy?  Isn’t there like a Jason Statham setting on you or something?

 

• How does it feel being the Bert to R2’s Ernie?  

 

• When we arrived on Endor, the Ewok’s thought you were some kind of deity so they hoisted you up and carried you everywhere.  After that, they probably thought you were the God of Lower Back Pain.

Chewy – Will Ness

• A lot of people don’t know Chewy’s backstory so I may as well tell it.  Chewy was walking along the forest of Kysshyk one day, big hairy ape that he is.  Suddenly, John Lithgow hits him with a car.  Lithgow straps Chewie to the top of the roof and takes him home.  His family falls in love with him but the town is scared of him.  Eventually everyone finds out that Lithgow is alien who traveled to Earth, or as he calls it the Third Rock From the Sun.  Chewie tries to escape.  Yada, yada, yada, French Stewart.  Yada, yada, yada.  Chewie saw an ad asking to do work for a “Han Solo” and he just figured it was a happy ending type thing.  

 

Obi-Wan – James J. Hamilton

• Nice to see you again.  Last time I saw you you were just a pile of robes on the floor of the Death Star.

 

• I used to think you were such a great Jedi.  That is until I saw you fight Vader on the Death Star.  I remember most of what you taught me on Tatooine. Not really recalling you ever showing me the “Let Darth Vader cut your head off eithin the first minute of fighting him” maneuver.  Or was that too advanced for me at the time.  

 

• You’re a great eye for talent too.  You thought Anakin Skywalker was going to be the chosen one for the Jedi.  That worked out great.  You could get a job writing scouting reports for the Cleveland Browns.  I heard Johnny Manziel’s midichlorian count is bannanas.  

 

• Then again, it’s really the Jedi Council’s fault.  You should never trust a man with a side rat-tail.  

Boba Fett – Derek Minto

 

• You’re so fat, after eating you, the Sarlacc Pit had to go on Lipitor.

 

• He’s supposed to be the most sophisticated bounty hunter in the solar system and you know what his main weapon is?  A rope with a hook on it.  Other people are shooting lasers, bending space-time to travel, and here you are the most feared man in the universe, using a rope with a hook on it.  Beware legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett.  He is cunning.  He is ruthless and if you’re not careful he might shoot a rope out that has a hook on the end of it.  And then you’ll be all tangled up you know, with all that rope.  You’ll try to struggle but boy oh boy, you’ll find that the rope is pretty strong you know…as far as ropes go and all.

 

• You named your ship the Slave I.  Something tells me that that’s also your username on Grinder.

The Emperor – Dave Ranallo 

• You’re a hatchet faced, power monger who tried to use a Senate seat to usurp power and become the evil supreme ruler of the known universe and ultimately failed.  Have you sued Hillary Clinton for copyright infringement yet?

 

• You’re looking a little chubby too since last I saw you.  What was at the bottom of that Death Star Reactor Shaft?  A Ponderosa?

Finn – Ian McIntosh

• I don’t get it.  You’re a StormTrooper, which means you’re a clone of Jango Fett, but you’re black.  Did Lando Calrissian make love to an Imperial test tube somewhere?

 

Darth Vader – Alex Homyak

 

• Why are we even Roasting you?  I thought we already did that at the end of Return of the Jedi.  

 

• And he is evil.  I mean…not repeal everyone’s healthcare evil, but you know…still bad.  

 

• Dad went after the older women.  When my mom Padme and dad finally started hooking up she was 23 and he was still a minor..  Are you sure you studied at the Jedi Council and not Plum High School?