Heaven – The Omnipotent Lord of All Things, God, is recalling over 7.1 billion human spines after several structural flaws were discovered in the lower portion of the bone. For 200,000 years, God has received over 111 trillion complaints about the lower back prompting Him to formally research the issue in 2015. After a comprehensive study, God announced the design of the lower back was incompatible with human life.
“After thorough research, it appears that I did not account correctly for the force of Earth’s gravity on the human spine,” said God in a press release. “There were errors within the formulas where decimal points were misplaced. It has resulted in a sub par product. For many users, this includes sciatica, herniated discs, etc.”
He continued, “I have built a reputation on creating things that work. The overwhelming majority of My creations have functioned perfectly: the Sun, Death, the US Electoral College. Please know that I am working diligently to correct this mistake.”
Despite God’s overwhelmingly good track record, this is not the first time something He designed has been placed under scrutiny. God famously issued an recall on Dinosaurs 65.5 million years ago. God also issued a product recall on the notion of Justice in 1956 after John Ford’s now-classic western film, The Searchers, wasn’t even nominated for an Academy Award.
Humans who are using their lower backs now should discontinue use immediately.