Month: January 2017

The Mechanics Servicing Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

wonder-woman-invisible-jet

Two mechanics look into an empty hangar. 

Mechanic 1: So…is it really?

Mechanic 2: Yeah.  It’s there.

Mechanic 1: You’re not screwing with me?

Mechanic 2: Nope.  I saw her pull it into the hangar this afternoon.

Silence.  

Mechanic 1: Do we just…like…what do we do?

Mechanic 2: I guess just walk forward and hold your hands out.  Feel around, I suppose.

Silence.

Mechanic 1: Do you think she has an “invisibility off” button or something?  That’d make things a lot easier.

Mechanic 2: How do you suppose you’d even find that button if there was one?

Silence.

Mechanic 1:  I mean, I’m going to need the VIN number off of this thing in order to update the registration.  How am I going to find that?

Mechanic 2: Doesn’t this thing run on jet engine fuel?  Wouldn’t you be able to see the fuel sloshing around in the tank when she’s flying?  I get that the tank is invisible but does it turn the fuel invisible too?

Silence.

Mechanic 1: Do you think we’ll ever be able to get this thing done?

Mechanic 2:  I don’t see it.

Silence.

 

World’s First: Guy Who Invented the Little Hole at the Bottom of a Piggy Bank

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

piggy

The Piggy bank is an ancient artifact that has followed man since the second century B.C.  Typically money is stored in these banks with no way of escaping unless the owner smashes the porcelain porker.  This changed when a craftsman, Mitya, a man who loved his piggy bank very much, decided to forgo the destructive route and instead used innovation and compassion.    We join a raucous trial within the Piggy-bank Craftsman’s guild in 1642.

Head Viceroy: Order!  See here! Order!

Guild Member 1: He should be excommunicated from this guild forevermore.

Guild Member 2: I say we boil the tar and douse this scoundrel!

Mitya: My dear brothers this is madness!  What have I done to draw your ire so?

Guild Member 2: You threaten our very livelihood with your design.

Guild Member 1: You stand to bring the guild to its knees.

Mitya: All I have done was added a hole with a little plug at the bottom of my piggy banks.  People love the new design.  Now they on’t have to smash their piggy banks to get the money out.

Guild Member 1: Sacrilige!

Head Viceroy: Surely you can understand how a radical innovation could cause an implosion that would threaten our industry.  You have turned what was once a commodity that people would need to purchase several times during their life, into a life-long companion to be used and reused.

Guild Member 1: I’ve seen my sales decline four-fold since you added a little hole to get money out at the bottom!

Mitya: My brothers, could you not see that a step needed to be made?  That when people needed their money out of the piggy bank, they weren’t breaking it?  That they were simply turning it over and shaking it repeatedly until a few coins fell out.  And God save you if there was a silver dollar in there.  The hole and the cork plug…

Guild Member 2:  Don’t even get me started on the cork plug!

Mitya: These were necessary.  I got into the piggy bank industry because I wanted to help people save money.  And I believe with my new invention, I am serving that purpose doubly.

Head Viceroy: Your words ring true young Mitya.  And your bright mind and solid resolve are things to be admired.

Guild Member 1: How do you rule then?

Head Viceroy: Mitya, I think you have your philosophies confused.  The Piggy Bank is not about saving money.  It’s about protecting your money from others.  You, in your youthful exuberance, have jeopardized with other people’s money.  We are the other people.  And for that, I rule you shall receive death by hammer smashing.

God Issues Product Recall on Lower Back

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Heaven  – The Omnipotent Lord of All Things, God, is recalling over 7.1 billion human spines after several structural flaws were discovered in the lower portion of the bone.  For 200,000 years, God has received over 111 trillion complaints about the lower back prompting Him to formally research the issue in 2015.  After a comprehensive study, God announced the design of the lower back was incompatible with human life.

“After thorough research, it appears that I did not account correctly for the force of Earth’s gravity on the human spine,” said God in a press release.  “There were errors within the formulas where decimal points were misplaced.  It has resulted in a sub par product.  For many users, this includes sciatica, herniated discs, etc.”

He continued, “I have built a reputation on creating things that work.  The overwhelming majority of My creations have functioned perfectly: the Sun, Death, the US Electoral College.   Please know that I am working diligently to correct this mistake.”

Despite God’s overwhelmingly good track record, this is not the first time something He designed has been placed under scrutiny.  God famously issued an recall on Dinosaurs 65.5 million years ago.  God also issued a product recall on the notion of Justice in 1956 after John Ford’s now-classic western film, The Searchers, wasn’t even nominated for an Academy Award.

Humans who are using their lower backs now should discontinue use immediately.

Total Jokes 1/3/17

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

daswale

  • The world’s oldest known killer whale is missing and thought to be dead.  Police have already taken Brendan Dassey into custody for questioning.
  • A new documentary suggests that the Titanic actually sunk because of complications from a coal fire in addition to hitting an iceberg.  The lesson of course: everyone on the Titanic was a really huge idiot.
  • Wendy’s gained a lot of social media attention after they embarrassed a twitter critic on Monday who didn’t believe their slogan, “Fresh Never Frozen Beef.”  Meanwhile the Burger King spent 42 minutes on PornHub.com.
  • The Republican-led Congress is considering gutting the house ethics committee.  It’s a response to their many constituents calling for nationwide Ethic Cleansing.