Total Jokes 12/29

Online retailer Amazon has recently filed a patent for a floating fulfillment center which will be suspended 45,000 feet in the air.   Amazon employees are reportedly not looking forward to that commute.

Donald Trump will be writing his own innaguration speech.  The President-elect has reportedly spent several hours trying to find a synonym for “bigly.”

R+B Artist Trey Songz was arrested after he began throwing stage equipment at police during a concert.  To be fair to Trey, the police officers had been yelling “Freebird” all night long.

A new study says that a long, stable marriage may increase a man’s chances of survival after a stroke.  That is of course, if you remembered her birthday this year.


Actress Debbie Reynolds passed away at the age of 84.  The Nation is in Good Mourning,  Good Mourning!


Scrooge: The Day After


Get a load of this guy. – Scrooge

The bell rang as Bob Crachit walked through the door of Scrooge and Marley’s Counting House.  Ebenezer Scrooge, with the epiphany of the previous night still singing in his heart, welcomed his faithful clerk.  The familiar cold of the room to which Crachit had become accustomed, was absent.  A fireplace full of coal crackled in the corner, reflecting the warmth now present in Scrooge’s once-dismal heart.

“Good morning Bob!”Scrooge said as he clapped his industrious clerk on the back.  “Merry Christmas again.  It is but a day afterwards and yet I still feel alive with the Host.”

“Good morning Mr. Scrooge,” Crachit replied removing his comforter and hanging it.  “I was hoping that today we might discuss my affairs.”

“Ah yes Bob.  I made you many a promise yesterday.  I promised to give you a raise and to help Tiny Tim etc, etc.  Come sit down and let’s see in what way I can give you a bit of help.”

Crachit opened up his personal ledger.  “Now my dear Mr. Scrooge.  In the delirium of your mood on Christmas Day you mentioned a raise.  Have you given any additional thought into that proposal?”

“A promise Bob,” said Scrooge.  “It was a promise!  And yes, I have.  How does an additional 3% sound?!” The old man grinned from ear to ear.  He so eagerly awaited Crachit’s exuberant affirmation that he resembled a puppy hungrily anticipating a scrap of goose dropped from a table.

“Uh…3%?” Crachit raised an eyebrow.  “You were visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past Present and Future and that’s the best you can do?”

Scrooge looked puzzled.  A 3% raise was 3% more than Crachit should have expected and therefore, Scrooge thought, he should be grateful.  Crachit was a fine employee but really nothing to write home about if he was being honest.  Scrooge, remembering his name emblazoned on the cold granite of the graveyard and wishing to sponge away that fate, gritted his teeth.  “What did you have in mind then, Bob?”

“40% and a company carriage.”

Scrooge nearly swooned at the audacious ask of this clerk.  This Crachit guy had some stones on him asking for that amount.  “A company carriage?  40%! Have you gone mad!  You don’t even travel for work.”

“I’m sorry,” Bob replied calmly.  “I was under the assumption that your eternal soul was in peril.  That if you did not become a more giving, generous man that you would be doomed to be clasped in the iron chains of greed for all of eternity, like Jacob Marley.  Was I mistaken?”

Scrooge looked into the embers of the expensive coal burning in the corner of the room.  His coal for which he had paid.  Scrooge saw Marley’s face in the red glow, though it flickered and evaporated like a vapour.  “Very well.  I suppose I can swing that,” Scrooge replied.  “I acquiesce Bob.  I acquiesce with a – ahem – a merry heart.”

“Ok, so that’s item number one.  Item number two: Tiny Tim’s medical bills.  Tuberculosis is an expensive disease my good sir.  We can set up some sort of Health Care Savings account or something but this is going to be a doozie for you.”

Scrooge silently cursed his ghostly apparition of a friend once called Jacob Marley.  Scrooge’s soul had been preserved, but his money was quickly spoiling.

Copywriters Meeting @Lysol


We join the copywriting team at Lysol as they discuss the latest package design.  Chad is the Manager.  Tina is a Sr. Copywriter.  Paulo is a Copywriter.

Chad: Ok team, let’s move to the back of the label.  I think Paulo did a nice job with the layout and content.

Paulo: Thank you.

Chad: I’ve reviewed it a few times and unless we have anyone that has any callouts I think we can go ahead and get this into production.

Tina: Um, are we not going to discuss the order of the bacterial strains that Paulo put on the back label?

Chad: I thought it was fine.  What specifically did you have a problem with?

Tina: It’s more like what DON’T I have a problem with.  For starters, he has H1N1 as the lead off virus.  Didn’t that happen in like 2011 or something?  It’s not exactly top-of-mind right now.

Paulo: That’s really nitpicking.

Tina: He asked me what I think and that’s what I think.  Salmonella.  Listeria.  Staphylococcus. That’s the brand Paulo.  Lysol is about salmonella and listeria and staph infections.  Lysol is not, nor has it ever been about “Escherichia coli with extended spectrum beta lactamase resistance.”  What the HELL is that even?  Are you getting paid by the consonant?

Chad: Ok, let’s all settle down.  Tina, you’re out of line.  Your message is appreciated but your delivery is not.

Paulo: Who made you the brand manager anyway?  Lysol has always been about salmonella, you say?  Well look where that’s got us.  Last year, we lost 8% market share to those pricks over at  Purell!  They’re not stuck on listeria.  They’ve moved on Tina.  They’ve moved on to Escherichia and Enterobacter Aerogenes. And even [GASP] HERPES!  Yeah, is that too much for you Tina?  Or does my youth threaten you?

Tina: Please, you’ll come and go.  But in 20 years you can bet Lysol will still be disinfecting influenza and salmonella.  They’re called the classics for a reason.

Chad: Ok, let’s all take a 5 minute break.  I think we might need to schedule another meeting for more discussion on this.