Astoria, WA – After only spending a month in the waters of the Pacific Ocean, recently freed killer whale, Kikau, pleaded with Sea World administrators to let him back into the aquatic zoo.

“I swear to God, please take me back.  It’s is awful out here!” Kikau wailed.  “I know I complained a lot about there not being enough room in the main tank and about the sardines not being that fresh and the fact that my dorsal fin curled over from depression, but Jesus, sweet Jesus you’ve got to get me out of this ocean!”

Ever since the documentary Blackfish began earning notoriety, zoos and aquariums across the globe have faced mounting pressures from the public urging them to release their aquatic wildlife.  To pacify activists, Sea World conceded to these pressures and, Kikau was released from Sea World in late-August.

“Those idiots have never swam in the Pacific Ocean at night,” Kikau bellowed.  “It’s terrifying and cold and the other whales eat all of my food and there is something slimy and gross always brushing up against me.”

 

 

Pittsburgh, PA – After making a career creating a number of stellar human interest documentaries, Rick Sebak will be adding to his vast filmography with the release of his newest PBS special, Crack Houses You Will Like.  Filmed primarily in the Tri-state area, the lovable documentarian explores the softer side of some of the East Coast’s quaintest drug dens.

“I had done so many documentaries on food and amusement parks” Sebek said during an interview Monday.  “I really felt that I hadn’t explored one of the nation’s favorite pastimes: retreating into the icy claws of hardcore narcotics.”

Perhaps the most memorable segment of the special is when Sebek introduces us to Glenn Spadowski, a 53 year old heroin addict.  Spadowski is a former iron worker who was squatting in a burned out carpet warehouse in Braddock, PA (oddly enough, the warehouse was briefly featured in Sebek’s 1990 documentary Things That Aren’t There Anymore).  In a sleepy-poetic way, Spadowski’s segment reminds us of a simpler time when the stamp bags cost less, the needles were cleaner and the dealers didn’t mind if you “did some there.”

“Glenn Spadowski was a real character!” Sebek said.  “We have some great bonus footage of him trying to steal our audio equipment.  We’ll probably use that for the DVD.”

The documentary is classic Sebek: a light-hearted exploration of small town nostalgia except this time it has more tweakers boof’d out on spank sauce.