Recently Released Orca Tearfully Begs to Be Let Back Into Sea World

Astoria, WA – After only spending a month in the waters of the Pacific Ocean, recently freed killer whale, Kikau, pleaded with Sea World administrators to let him back into the aquatic zoo.

“I swear to God, please take me back.  It’s is awful out here!” Kikau wailed.  “I know I complained a lot about there not being enough room in the main tank and about the sardines not being that fresh and the fact that my dorsal fin curled over from depression, but Jesus, sweet Jesus you’ve got to get me out of this ocean!”

Ever since the documentary Blackfish began earning notoriety, zoos and aquariums across the globe have faced mounting pressures from the public urging them to release their aquatic wildlife.  To pacify activists, Sea World conceded to these pressures and, Kikau was released from Sea World in late-August.

“Those idiots have never swam in the Pacific Ocean at night,” Kikau bellowed.  “It’s terrifying and cold and the other whales eat all of my food and there is something slimy and gross always brushing up against me.”

 

 

Advertisements

Rick Sebek’s New PBS Doc: “Crack Houses You Will Like”

sebaks

Pittsburgh, PA – After making a career creating a number of stellar human interest documentaries, Rick Sebak will be adding to his vast filmography with the release of his newest PBS special, Crack Houses You Will Like.  Filmed primarily in the Tri-state area, the lovable documentarian explores the softer side of some of the East Coast’s quaintest drug dens.

“I had done so many documentaries on food and amusement parks” Sebek said during an interview Monday.  “I really felt that I hadn’t explored one of the nation’s favorite pastimes: retreating into the icy claws of hardcore narcotics.”

Perhaps the most memorable segment of the special is when Sebek introduces us to Glenn Spadowski, a 53 year old heroin addict.  Spadowski is a former iron worker who was squatting in a burned out carpet warehouse in Braddock, PA (oddly enough, the warehouse was briefly featured in Sebek’s 1990 documentary Things That Aren’t There Anymore).  In a sleepy-poetic way, Spadowski’s segment reminds us of a simpler time when the stamp bags cost less, the needles were cleaner and the dealers didn’t mind if you “did some there.”

“Glenn Spadowski was a real character!” Sebek said.  “We have some great bonus footage of him trying to steal our audio equipment.  We’ll probably use that for the DVD.”

The documentary is classic Sebek: a light-hearted exploration of small town nostalgia except this time it has more tweakers boof’d out on spank sauce.

Total Jokes 9/19

607577556

  • Actress Sara Paulson won an Emmy for playing Marcia Clark, lead prosecutor in the OJ Simpson case.  Critics praised her portrayal despite its lack of conviction.
  • Bernie Sanders has said that he wants to stop Donald Trump at all costs.  These costs would then be passed on to the taxpayers.
  • Rapper Nelly is supposedly facing a $2.4 million dollar debt to the IRS.  Sources say the rapper will need to lien back…lien back…
  • A Utah woman received praise after she pumped breastmilk while running a marathon.  The race will now be known as the Tough Udder.

 

Knock-Knock…

mans hand using door knocker on wood effect upvc door cold calling household

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. This is a really dumb joke ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Italian Guy 1: Knock, Knock

Other Guy: Who’s there?

Italian Guy: Hosanna.

Other Guy: Hosanna who?

Italian Guy: Hosanna outside so your-a water bill is going to be-a mighty high!

Study: Scalping a Bitter Enemy Still Best Treatment for Low Testosterone

scalp-1

Chicago, IL- A research team at Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine have made an apparent breakthrough in the battle against low testosterone.  A study consisting of 244 men, ages 22-58, suffering from low testosterone found that their T levels went up significantly after subduing and scalping a hated rival.  The test, conducted over the course of several months, found that test subjects experienced a 44% boost in free testosterone after conquering an enemy and peeling off the top layer of their head skin with a tomahawk or other carving instrument.

“The implications of this study are vast,” said Dr. Adolpho Kinzateri, Head of Research at the Low T Institute in St. Louis.  “We are in the middle of an epidemic of middle aged men who don’t feel their best.  Their energy is down and their libido is suffering.  If these men could just set aside some time to flay the connective tissue between their adversary’s hair and skull once or twice a day, they would see an improvement in their condition.”

If participants wore headgear or cranefeathers or rawhide helmets that bore the horns of bull or buffalo like some Goblin from a hell more horrible yet than the brimstone land of Christian reckoning, participants saw an even better improvement.