A Conversation About Time Travel with My Father

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Me: Here’s a question for you, Dad.

Dad: Ok, shoot.

Me: How long do you think you’d have to go back in time in order to be considered the smartest man on Earth?

Dad: I don’t know.  1930 maybe.

Me: What?!?  No way.  I was thinking it’d have to be in caveman days.

Dad: Nah.  It’s way more recent than that.

Me: So you’re saying if you went back 500 years, you’d be smarter than someone like say, Copernicus?  The guy used math to figure out that the Earth revolved around the Sun.

Dad: Yeah, but can Copernicus drive a stick shift?

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New Encyclopedia Entries: 8/29

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USB Drive – Most ubiquitous object on the planet.  There are over 23 x 1045 USB drives in circulation to date.  Able to store pictures, a few songs, or important documents, it is estimated that the average human on Earth owns 3,280,000,000,000,000,000 USB drives personally.

Facebook.com – The world’s largest online complaint index.  Launched in 2004 by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook has rapidly become the most comprehensive index of minuscule gripes.  Users are encouraged to complain about any and all things ranging from the service at a Smokey Bones restaurant to their WiFi signal at a Public Library.  As of 2016, Facebook has over 1.23 billion active complainers.

Gourd – A roundish plant in the Cucurbitaceae family which if you think I’m lending money to your brother, then you are clearly out of yours.

Cup – Small open container which can be used to carry drinks, or pencils, or loose change. Man, the possibilities are pretty much endless if you think about it.  Cups have existed for thousands of years and can hold anything such as: hot coffee, SevenUp, some ice cubes, business cards, marbles, ashes, a collection of screwdrivers, a severed finger, plant fertilizer.  I mean, really!  You can pretty much hold anything in a cup!

Artificial Intelligence – Branch of computer science, which despite all signs pointing to the apocalyptic effect it will have on human life, continues to be a growing field of study.  Even though most people agree that homosapiens will ultimately be rendered obsolete and perhaps enslaved by the hyper-intelligent robot overlords that they themselves created, humans still think figuring out a way to automate a cash register is a good idea.

An Ode to the Guy Asking Me For Money in the Parking Lot of a Fairfield Inn

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The stay was quite nice at the Fairfield Inn
I think we all had a restful sleep.
The breakfast was tasty, eggs and pastries
and the prices weren’t even that steep!

We’re still several miles away from the beach.
I’m wishing we took an airplane.
After hours of driving, screaming and whining,
We’re loading the car up again.

Our Nissan’s re-packed with towels, toys and crap,
(we never did use much discretion).
I slam the trunk shut and start to move but,
A car pulls in behind us and asks for directions.

The man looks beat up, on his head a bloody lump
This situation is starting to feel funny.
He looks in my eyes and to my surprise says,
“Is there any way I could get some money?”

“My daughter’s in Morgantown and her boyfriend is bad.
The bastard just busted her nose.
So can I have some cash, to fill up on gas?
I’m on empty, don’t mean to impose.”

I look to my left and I look to my right
A Sunoco’s a stone’s throw away.
I think it’s a scam but it’s just who I am,
I’m feeling charitable today.

What do you call it, when you pull out your wallet
so some stranger can go to the gas pump
and he doesn’t go pay, he just drives away?
You call it: being a chump.

He’s on the highway with my remaining charity
And whatever goodwill I have left.
Hope that $20 I gave up will be enough to save up
So he can buy that fatal dose of meth.

The Bathroom Door

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Once upon a Wednesday morning, while I had been recently snoring,
Awaking to smell and taste of my morning coffee pour—
I had a rumble in my tummy, the morning routine has sent my running
Through the living room, through the bedroom, and through the bathroom door.

While I sat, quietly crapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bathroom door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my bathroom door—
Only this and nothing more.”

“DA-ddy!!”

I tried in vain to block out the sound; but the noise was all around,
“Hey!” said I, “Daddy’s busy! Get away from here, I implore.”
But now the door handle was turning and thusly I began to worry.
Another jiggle, another slam which swung open the bathroom door,
Pants ’round ankles in my lavaratory, there I was in all my glory. —
Pointed my son, “Dee-ba-bore!”

Nevermore…

The Trip to the Beach

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I’m going on vacation in a few weeks.  We’re planning on making the long, long trip.  My wife is a real help driving too.  She falls asleep immediately.  It’s like that Lunesta Butterfly follows her into the passenger seat and sings her “Hush Little Baby.”  I’ll be driving for 6 hours and finally hit a bump, she’ll open her one eye, yawn, and say “Want me to drive for a bit?” then fall back asleep.

You get to sample all of the regional chain restaurants on your way down there.  West Virginia has Shoney’s.  If Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, Shoney’s is the polar opposite.  There is always…ALWAYS…someone beating their child in a Shoney’s parking lot.  It’s like the fourth law of thermodynamics.  Entropy ceases at absolute zero and there’s some kid with a buzzed mohawk getting walloped at a Shoney’s.  Also, every time I’ve pulled into Shoney’s, a busload of high school marching band members has arrived right before me.

North Carolina has this place called Fat’s.  I’ve never been there before and when you go into one of these places you should play it safe.  Get a turkey club or a grilled cheese or something.  The first time I ventured into Fats, I decide I was going to roll the dice and got the Sante Fe Clam Bake.  The windows were down for the next 40 miles.