Me: Here’s a question for you, Dad.

Dad: Ok, shoot.

Me: How long do you think you’d have to go back in time in order to be considered the smartest man on Earth?

Dad: I don’t know.  1930 maybe.

Me: What?!?  No way.  I was thinking it’d have to be in caveman days.

Dad: Nah.  It’s way more recent than that.

Me: So you’re saying if you went back 500 years, you’d be smarter than someone like say, Copernicus?  The guy used math to figure out that the Earth revolved around the Sun.

Dad: Yeah, but can Copernicus drive a stick shift?

USB Drive – Most ubiquitous object on the planet.  There are over 23 x 10⁴⁵ USB drives in circulation to date.  Able to store pictures, a few songs, or important documents, it is estimated that the average human on Earth owns 3,280,000,000,000,000,000 USB drives personally.

Facebook.com – The world’s largest online complaint index.  Launched in 2004 by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook has rapidly become the most comprehensive index of minuscule gripes.  Users are encouraged to complain about any and all things ranging from the service at a Smokey Bones restaurant to their WiFi signal at a Public Library.  As of 2016, Facebook has over 1.23 billion active complainers.

Gourd – A roundish plant in the Cucurbitaceae family which if you think I’m lending money to your brother, then you are clearly out of yours.

Cup – Small open container which can be used to carry drinks, or pencils, or loose change. Man, the possibilities are pretty much endless if you think about it.  Cups have existed for thousands of years and can hold anything such as: hot coffee, SevenUp, some ice cubes, business cards, marbles, ashes, a collection of screwdrivers, a severed finger, plant fertilizer.  I mean, really!  You can pretty much hold anything in a cup!

Artificial Intelligence – Branch of computer science, which despite all signs pointing to the apocalyptic effect it will have on human life, continues to be a growing field of study.  Even though most people agree that homosapiens will ultimately be rendered obsolete and perhaps enslaved by the hyper-intelligent robot overlords that they themselves created, humans still think figuring out a way to automate a cash register is a good idea.

 

Once upon a Wednesday morning, while I had been recently snoring,
Awaking to smell and taste of my morning coffee pour—
I had a rumble in my tummy, the morning routine has sent my running
Through the living room, through the bedroom, and through the bathroom door.

While I sat, quietly crapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bathroom door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my bathroom door—
Only this and nothing more.”

“DA-ddy!!”

I tried in vain to block out the sound; but the noise was all around,
“Hey!” said I, “Daddy’s busy! Get away from here, I implore.”
But now the door handle was turning and thusly I began to worry.
Another jiggle, another slam which swung open the bathroom door,
Pants ’round ankles in my lavaratory, there I was in all my glory. —
Pointed my son, “Dee-ba-bore!”

Nevermore…