The Animal Bill of Rights vs. The Cruelty of Human Existence


Apparently there is something called the Animal Bill of Rights, the purpose of which is to guarantee legal protection to farm animals from cruelty and harm.  Sounds nice, but the way I read this, I realized that if this thing gets adopted, these animals will have it better off than most humans.  Here’s the list:

1. The Right of animals to be free from exploitation, cruelty, neglect, and abuse. 

Human’s don’t have this right.  In fact, a fundamental right of humans is the right to exploit your fellow man.    Just the other day, a cashier was ringing me up at a grocery store.  She miscoded my Vidalia onion as a Yellow Onion (which was less expensive).  I didn’t say a word!  I got out of that Giant Eagle saving $.17.  Haha!  Sucker!  Just another pawn in Jeff Konkle’s game.

2. The Right of laboratory animals not to be used in cruel or unnecessary experiments. 

Some of the most famous experiments in human history could have been considered cruel and unnecessary.  That Stanford Prisoner Experiment was completely unnecessary and it ended up being really famous.  Now that I think about it, who green lighted that thing?  Some Dean of Stanford’s School of Psychology read the proposal.  “So you’re going to simulate brutal torture to see if your human test subjects will break their own thin morals and become forever changed by accessing the depths of their own brutality?  Hell yeah!”

3. The Right of farmed animals to an environment that satisfies their basic physical and psychological needs. 

Boy, this would be nice.  Although satisfying all psychological needs seems pretty broad.  I know a girl who compulsively pulled out her eyebrow hairs before she took tests in college.  Are we going to satisfy her psychological needs?  What about the Ichneumon wasps?  They find a victim (usually a caterpillar), inject their eggs into the victim’s body, paralyze the victim, and then eat it while it is still alive. The worst part, however, is that the wasp consumes the fatty deposits and digestive organs first. This keeps the caterpillar alive for as long as possible.  Are we just going to say, “Hey man your psychological need to torture a harmless caterpillar is cool.  You do you.”

4. The Right of companion animals to a healthy diet, protective shelter, and adequate medical care. 

It’s a right to a healthy diet?  My hamster ate her 6 of her own babies.  I’m not guaranteeing that.

5. The Right of wildlife to a natural habitat, ecologically sufficient to a normal existence and self-sustaining species population. 

Does spending 2 hours in a car then 8 hours in a cubical count as a natural habitat?

6. The Right of animals to have their interests represented in court and safeguarded by the law of the land.  

If you think about it would be hilarious.  A pig in a navy-pinstripe suit snorting an objection to the prosecution’s leading the witness.  The witness in this case would be a Purdue chicken.


I think the best course of action here is to do what we always do.  Let’s just not ever think about it!

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