Month: April 2016

A Stomach’s Frank Conversation with Mountain Dew: KICKSTART

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

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“Dew. Juice. Electrolytes.  Mountain Dew: KICKSTART is three awesome things combined.  When the day is ending, you’re just getting started.  It’s the great tasting kick when you need it most. “

Stomach:  Dew, I don’t mean to offend you but I’d like to speak directly to Juice and Electrolytes.

Dew: Whatever man.

Stomach: Juice, I just feel like I don’t even know you anymore.  You’re hanging out with the wrong crowd.  It’s bad enough that you snuck alcohol in here last weekend.  But now you’re coming in here with this character.

Dew: Hey man.  I have a name!

Stomach: You’re bad news Dew.  And I don’t want you hanging out with Juice or Electrolytes anymore.

Electrolytes: You can’t talk to our friend like that.

Juice: You of all people have a few too many “friends” for my liking, Electrolytes.  You’re just hooking up with anybody now.  Gatorade.  PediaLyte.  Vitamin Water.  And now you’re with the worst of the worst.

Dew: Cool out bro!

Stomach: I will not cool out!  Last week you were in here, you burnt through my lining and tried to give us diabetes.  Is that…is that Yellow 5 behind your back?

Dew: No.

Stomach: Yes it is!  I told you I don’t want that in my house.  Do whatever you want on your own time, but you’re not ruining my sweet babies.  I want you to get out of here!

Dew: That’s cool.  I’ll be fine man.  Just know that I’ll be back.  I’ll be back when you can’t find a coffee, or are on a long road trip, or just get real nostalgic during the Fourth of July.  I’ll be back.

Juice: I can’t believe you talked like that to our friend!

Electrolytes: We HATE you!

Juice and Electrolytes run off to the small intestine to have their nutrients absorbed.

Stomach: One day you’ll understand…

 

 

 

Stephen A. Smith

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

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Stephen A. Smith really likes being connected to athletes.  He never misses an opportunity to tell the audience about how he’s good friends with all the Pros.

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Anchor: Welcome back.  Stephen, what did you think about Steph Curry’s play last night?

Stephen A. Smith: Listen, I like Steph Curry.  I know Steph Curry.  I picked him up from the airport one time.  I didn’t even have to.  It just what friends do for each other and we are good friends.

Anchor: Moving on to the NFL, Cam Newton is solidifying himself as a legitimate MVP candidate in 2017.  What’s your assessment?

Stephen A. Smith: Listen, I like Cam Newton.  I know Cam Newton.  He is a dear, dear friend of mine.  I went to his birthday party last year and I bought him this really nice picnic basket set that he had had his eye on for some time.  He casually mentioned it to me in passing several weeks ago but I remember that type of thing because I am a thoughtful person.  Cam was thrilled with the gift.  He wrote me a very nice thank you note.  And he’ll be thrilled when he wins the MVP award next year.

Anchor: Turning to the National Hockey League, Sidney Crosby has extended his points streak to seven games straight.  Is he the hottest player in the NHL right now?

Stephen A. Smith: I am not familiar with this person.

Anchor: He’s a hockey player.

Stephen A. Smith: A what?

Anchor: Hockey.  Like ice hockey.

Stephen A. Smith: I still don’t follow.

Anchor.  Hockey, the game that’s played on ice.

Stephen A. Smith: HAHAHA!  Played on ice….yeah right….  Now that would be something to watch.  People slipping and falling all over the place!

Anchor: You don’t know Sidney Crosby?  He’s make $12 million a year?

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, Sid-ney Crosby.  Yes, I know Sidney Crosby.  I know him intimately.  We are very, very close.