New Encyclopedia Entries: 3/23/16

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Penny – Unit of US currency that’s primary purpose now is to kill small children. A penny is worth 1/100th of a US dollar and can be shoved in electrical sockets, stuffed up nostrils and swallowed whole by toddlers.

Jelly Bean – Small bean-shaped candy comprised mostly of artificial flavors, preservatives, and fairy lard.  Parts of fairy carcasses not used in commercial butchery (wings, thorax, or other areas with high amounts of connective tissue) are placed into a large vat and boiled overnight. The remaining fat deposits are separated, wet-packed in paper, then shipped to the different jelly bean manufacturers who then add light flavoring and mold them into small beans.

Phone – Device on which one can get stock quotes, listen to music, record videos, type messages, play video games, check the weather, map out routes, and learn chess. It can sometimes be used to transmit voices, unless it’s your Aunt Barbra again. Then you let that go to voicemail. (See: stock ticker, jukebox, video camera, word processor, arcade machine, newspaper, map, Bobby Fischer).

Dirk – Not a good name for a boy anymore. Maybe it was at some point, but now, man…you’re really digging a hole for that kid.

Cup – Pretty much the same thing as a glass, even though your wife disagrees with you. There is no difference between a cup and a glass because they are both typically stored in a cupboard and both used to drink things. You see?  So they’re the same. There are cups made of glass so I don’t even want to hear the argument that the terms can’t be used interchangeably. When your wife asks if you can get her a glass of water and you serve it to her in a plastic cup, she has no room to argue. That is exactly what she asked for because there is literally no difference between a cup and a glass. There just isn’t. Because. Because I’m the man of this house, damn it!

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