• It’s tense between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders right now.  I feel like they are like that couple in a romantic comedy that argue all the time and but are actually madly in love with each other.

Bernie:  You’re a schill for Wall Street!

Hillary: And you’re a pie-eyed moron!  

Bernie: And you’re…so hot when you’re angry… 

Hillary: Kiss me you fool.

  • Can we take a moment to figure out a way to effectively trash Bernie Sanders?  We already had 8 years of not being able to figure out a way to make fun of the President.  As a comedian, I don’t want to start off on that foot again.  
  • There was a infographic going around from the Bernie Sanders camp that was listing candidates’ net worth, basically saying that “Bernie’s one of us!”  It said Hillary Clinton is worth $25 million dollars.  Donald Trump is worth $10 billion dollars.  And Bernie Sanders is worth $262,000.  Net worth means all of your savings, retirement accounts and the value of your house, cars, etc.  The average house in Vermont is $220,000.  Meaning that unless he sells his house, Bernie Sanders has $42,000 to get him through life until he’s dead.  No wonder he wants to expand Social Security and Medicaid.    He is one colonoscopy bill away from being completely destitute.   

John Kasich

  • I like John Kasich but he’s doing horribly in the polls.  The problem with Kasich is that he obviously knows how the government works but how the government works is so BORING!  He was on the debate stage, “We sent the education bill to the Senate to be reviewed by the sub-committee on appropriations.  They sent it back to the House with some line-item changes that we initiate a referendum on and…” I’ve already changed the channel to watch Chrissly Knows Best.
  • I’m telling you right now a big reason people are voting for Trump is because all of the annoying liberal  people telling them that they can’t vote for Trump.  If you really want to get people to stop voting for Trump you need to Bugs Bunny this thing.  

Annoying Liberal: You’re not voting for Trump.

Trump Supporter:  Oh, yes I am.  

Annoying Liberal: Oh, no you’re not.

Trump Supporter: Oh, yes I am!

Annoying Liberal: Oh, yes you are!  

Trump Supporter: Oh, no I’m not!  And that’s final!

Annoying Liberal: Fine, have it your way.

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