The last twenty-four hours have left me nearly crippled with exhaustion. I have been performing my duty as an American, heaving my heft into the political landscape and campaigning for candidates whom I feel would make the world a more just, verdant, and mosquito-free place. I know it’s rude of me to talk about politics. It was also considered rude of me to enter a Moe’s Southwestern Burrito location and purposefully have a gran mal seizure. But I don’t care a whit! This election year is of utmost importance and I shall let the voices of my several personalities be heard. When you are casting your ballot I ask that you give your consideration to the following candidates:
Bert Frampton (State Auditor) – Bert’s resume may not be as impressive as current incumbent Cynthia Cloud. Nevertheless, what he lacks in practical experience he more than makes up in raw grip strength. Bert is the only politician who backs up his word with an arm-wrestling record of 122-7-3. Not to dismiss Ms. Cloud’s forearm muscles, but I would imagine that if she and Bert debated the issues and it boiled down to arm-wrestling (as it frequently does), then Bert is the only candidate who can be counted on to deliver.
Trisha Souvida (County Coordinator – Homeland Security) – Trisha has had some relatively well-know scandals in the past. Her failed attempt to blow up the Windy Draw Reservoir is still relatively fresh in the minds of Sheridan residents. However, this is really about the lesser of two evils. Bruce Edwards, current County Coordinator, has done almost nothing during his term to attract ISIS members to Sheridan in order to capture them in human-sized hunting traps. I’ve written to him dozens of times, even providing crude sketches of homemade traps that I designed myself. My suggestion of digging a large pit in Rotary Park, placing dung-covered spikes at the bottom and covering the hole with a swath of wet burlap was especially innovative yet still ignored. Trisha Souvida likes my ideas for terrorist traps. The woman has vision!
Hillary Clinton (President) – I know, I know. A Democrat! It may seem counter-intuitive, but I have been instructed by my church group to vote for Mrs. Clinton as we believe she may be the best candidate to initiate the Crowing, an event where the energy binding the Keywork Dimension together will eventually explode with the power of a million suns, releasing us from this tainted orb. Personally, I’m more of a Kasich guy, but I just go with the flow.
William Gurtierrez (County Sheriff) – This man may or may not be a figment of my imagination as I have only seen him when I run out of the small reddish pills I’m supposed to take every morning before the Ellen Show, but I suppose the voters will decide on election day.
Big Goose Creek Bridge Initiative – No need to build a bridge here as it will just promote intermingling and inevitable violence between Peggy Binning and Pamela Binning, sisters and bitter enemies who live on the east bank and west bank, respectively. Vote no!
I hope to see you casting your vote at the Calvary Baptist Church on Big Horn Avenue later this year!
– Alan Gibbons