Month: March 2016

Kevin Stallings Actually in Arizona During Pitt Press Conference, Reports Rich Walsh

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

stallings_presser-0-0

Pittsburgh, PA –  Despite many people observing and interacting with Kevin Stallings at his press conference on Tuesday, WPXI reporter Rich Walsh claims that the new Pitt Basketball Coach was actually in Arizona the whole time.

“I have a reputable source that says they saw a tallish, white, bald man in the Glendale, AZ area at approximately the same time as the scheduled press conference,” Walsh said in a tweet.  “We can now definitely say that Stallings was not in Pittsburgh despite many of you talking to him and shaking hands with him on Pitt’s campus yesterday.”

Top 5 Night-Life Hot Spots in Middle Earth

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

hobbits-at-the-prancing-pony

Inn of the Prancing Pony – Located in Bree, this hopping spot is the center of the town’s booming horse industry.   Head bartender Barlimur Butterbur has been slinging drinks at the Prancing Pony for 120 years and has more than a few stories to tell.  $5 “You-call-its” on Wednesday and Trivia night on Sundays.

The Golden Stone Tavern – The Great Hall of Nogrod was begging for a cool place for dwarves, orcs, shadow elves and dark-humans to hang.  The tunnel system underneath the Blue Mountains had not been viewed as a destination spot for party goers since the Sacking of Erebor.  However, ex-pat dwarf Noegeth Nygin had a different vision for the caverns his family once called home. He opened Nogrod’s first micro-brewery, The Golden Stone which brews all of their own beers, ales, and meads.  If you’re feeling frisky, try the Golden Stone Ent-Lager.  It is a malted blend with fruity aftertaste that will temporarily allow you to see as the trees do.

REV Ultra Lounge – While quaint bars are fine for everyday imbibing, what about when you want to cut loose and dance?  REV Ultra Lounge is located in the bustling theater block on the edge of Rivendell.  Since this is primarily a club for elves, whose beauty is beyond worldly description, be sure to dress to the nines!  REV pulls in the hottest DJ’s too: DJ Dain Ironfoot, Ghan-buri-Ghan, and DJ Hurin (The Holder of Keys).  The area is typically safe but since it is located in the Misty Mountains, you should be prepared to deal with feral wolves when the club closes for the night.

The Green Dragon – A popular inn near the Bywater in the Shire, the Green Dragon attracts a diverse crowd from both Bywater and nearby Hobbiton.  The Green Dragon is home to house band Finglas and the Firefoots, who bring their brand of bluegrass-rock fusion with hints of classic Hill-Troll twang to the stage.  $2.50 domestic drafts all day, every day.

Cuzzy’s –  This is the perfect Minas Tirath bar. It is a throwback to a time when the city had a thriving shipping industry, before it was razed to the ground by He Who Shall Not Be Named. They sell Beast and PPR cans $2, PPR shotguns $1, 40 oz of Miller High Life, and with $30 you can buy the the entire bar a shot!  Do NOT look into the mirror in the men’s bathroom!  The mirror is actually the haunted shield of Glaurung, the terrestrial dragon king who was slayed at the hand of Turin Tarambar, who owns Cuzzy’s.

 

New Encyclopedia Entries: 3/23/16

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

lincoln_penny_obverse1

Penny – Unit of US currency that’s primary purpose now is to kill small children. A penny is worth 1/100th of a US dollar and can be shoved in electrical sockets, stuffed up nostrils and swallowed whole by toddlers.

Jelly Bean – Small bean-shaped candy comprised mostly of artificial flavors, preservatives, and fairy lard.  Parts of fairy carcasses not used in commercial butchery (wings, thorax, or other areas with high amounts of connective tissue) are placed into a large vat and boiled overnight. The remaining fat deposits are separated, wet-packed in paper, then shipped to the different jelly bean manufacturers who then add light flavoring and mold them into small beans.

Phone – Device on which one can get stock quotes, listen to music, record videos, type messages, play video games, check the weather, map out routes, and learn chess. It can sometimes be used to transmit voices, unless it’s your Aunt Barbra again. Then you let that go to voicemail. (See: stock ticker, jukebox, video camera, word processor, arcade machine, newspaper, map, Bobby Fischer).

Dirk – Not a good name for a boy anymore. Maybe it was at some point, but now, man…you’re really digging a hole for that kid.

Cup – Pretty much the same thing as a glass, even though your wife disagrees with you. There is no difference between a cup and a glass because they are both typically stored in a cupboard and both used to drink things. You see?  So they’re the same. There are cups made of glass so I don’t even want to hear the argument that the terms can’t be used interchangeably. When your wife asks if you can get her a glass of water and you serve it to her in a plastic cup, she has no room to argue. That is exactly what she asked for because there is literally no difference between a cup and a glass. There just isn’t. Because. Because I’m the man of this house, damn it!

Area Man Apparently has $36.00 to Spend on Beers

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

baseball-beer-bottles

Bradenton, FL – During a Grapefruit league game between the Miami Marlins and the Pittsburgh Pirates, local man Dan Arnett shelled out $36.00 for four cans of Miller Lite and didn’t so much as bat an eye-lash.  Arnett, who we can only presume to be some type of oil baron, shipping magnate, or successful hedge fund manager, ripped open his velcro wallet and gave two wrinkled twenty dollar bills to the beer vendor.  Ever the benevolent philanthropist, he passed the precious commodities on to those seated next to him.

In another display befitting a man possessing unbridled wealth, the plutocratic Arnett waved away the vendor when he attempted to make change as though single bills were an annoyance.

We Asked These Marijuana Dispensary Owners About The Coldest Marijuana They’ve Ever Sold

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Five Medical Marijuana Dispensary owners. One question: “What’s the coldest marijuana you’ve ever sold?” Here’s what they said. 

   1. Anthony Parker – “When you say coldest, you mean like actual temperature?”

1024x1024

 

2. Jason Capelli – “I keep the store at about 73 degrees so it doesn’t vary that much.”

marijuana-6

 

3. Joshua Greenblatt – “I’m not sure I understand the question.  Selling marijuana at cold temperatures doesn’t really do anything.”

1668061

 

4. Christian Banks – “Around September of last year, I’m in my stockroom going through my inventory, mostly checking the amount of different strains and whatnot.  I’m counting  the Chemdog and the Purple Kush and the Super Lemon Haze.  I look over at my loading dock and I see a Magneto-Optical Trapping machine and a shipment of strontium monoflouride.  Fed Ex must have made a mistake but I never look a gift horse in the mouth, you know?  So I fire that thing up and we’re really getting down there.  I’m talking around -270 degrees Celsius!  Like just scraping the theoretical limits of how cold atomic structures can get given our current understanding of physics.  Then my one employee Goosk comes over and says that I should throw a fat nug in there.  I thought that was a far out idea.  So I dip a sticky tree in the cryogenic refrigeration unit and I think it started some sort of irreversible chain reaction which created a new type of motionless exotic matter.  Needless to say, Goosk threw me a twenty for it and I was like, ‘Cool’.”

mb-hemparrest-140204_m_620x350_2434936691

5. Omar Russel – “I don’t really know.”

3339812304

 

*This is a ripoff of http://www.clickhole.com.