Month: January 2016

Poems For Capitalists: Robert Frost

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

The realm of poetry has for centuries skewed towards socialism.  Whitman, Ginsberg, Cummings and Hughes all have threads of socialist values interwoven in their words.  However, capitalists are humans too.  They think and feel and yearn.  So I have taken the liberty of repurposing old poems and making them more friendly to a capitalist.  As you know, if they succeed on their own merit, then they will thrive.

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Mending Wall
Original by Robert Frost

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,
That something is the free market.
Despite the droning of demagogues,
And the Red Elephant at the podium,
Pounding his fist and shaking his jowels,
These walls should be demolished
Spilling their boulders into the Sun
So that cheap labor can flow freely
Between borders and boundaries.
The immigrant pining for work
is not to be met with hate!
Our neighbors are no different than we,
so we should not allow ourselves scare
from the ideology of fear.
Because they are just people,
People with sons and daughters dreaming.
People who drive real wages down
and make the US more competitive in the
global landscape in manufacturing sector especially.
The new President, surely a socialist dressed in red or blue,
(S)He only says, “Good fences make good neighbours.”
And this is simply not true.

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More Poems for Capitalist
AE Houseman

COURAGEOUS: These Really Dumb People Are Redefining Society’s Definition of Intelligence

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

For years, Academia has shunned people of low intelligence but now several incredibly brave morons are re-defining the antiquated notion of “smart.”  Mental marginalization is a serious problem in society and these dipsticks have had enough.

“To say that scoring high on aptitude tests or writing good or remembering your own middle name are the only ways to be considered smart is not realistic and hurts our society as a whole,” said Trevor Holliday, an absolute idiot who will be obtaining his Doctorate from Gudger State University Online.

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“Dunces and nimrods are under-represented in Academia,” Holliday said before tripping over his own untied shoe and falling butt-first into a waste basket.  

Historically, the college (and even primary school) systems rewarded those with high intelligence and initiative levels.  This left out many cement-headed goons who do not share the same definition of intelligence with teachers and administrators.

“There were times in high school where I was shamed for who I was,” said Jermaine Johnson, who one time accidentally lit his pants on fire with a Bunsen burner in chemistry class.  “I just said to myself, ‘I’m not going to let society or grades or the fact that I get gum stuck in my hair a lot dictate my own self image.'”

One half-witted nincompoop, Heather Jacobsen, said that seeing other students doing well on tests and  remembering historical dates led her to develop a serious reading disorder when she was in high school, sometimes reading two books per week.  The school actively reinforced this horrible disease, all in the name of achieving “normal intelligence.”

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Jacobsen: “I read The Brothers Karamazov one summer and realized I didn’t like the person I’d become.”

“Society reveres figures with unattainable standards of intelligence like Albert Einstein, Emily Dickinson, and Steve Jobs,” said Kyle Patterson, who scored 600 on his SAT test.  That’s right, 600.  “Maybe someday people will think of me when they picture someone smart.”

These brave souls are hoping to inspire the next generation of drooling imbeciles to just be who they are and not accept criticism from anybody for anything ever.

New Encyclopedia Entries 1/18

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Architecture – Something people lie about appreciating (See: JAZZ, SOCCER, INDIA PALE ALE, FRASIER, SESAME SEED BAGELS).

Tap Dancing –  Type of dance style whereby the dancer strikes the ground with special shoes in order to communicate via Morse Code with the Devil.  Famous tap dancers include Fred Astaire, Savion Glover and Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, whose February 12th, 1914 performance at the Bijou Theater in Brooklyn, gave Lucifer just enough information to get the wheels turning on World War I.

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Savion Glover, attempting to summon His Dark Majesty in 2003.

 

Stan – Probably Eminem’s best song.  Top 5 at least.

Camping Tent – Lightweight, portable trap used by bears to catch human prey in the forest.  Typically comprised of a moisture-proof fabric like nylon or polyester, tents also serve the additional function of keeping people-meat fresh for several days.  With their unique zippering action, tents allow bears to keep man-flesh from both spoilage and freezer burn.

Headphones – Pair of electronic listening devices worn in or around bus stops which allow users to rap loudly to themselves without social consequence.

National Security Agency – An intelligence arm of the United States government that, despite being known for using warrant-less data capture techniques on both foreign and domestic citizens, is really a top-notch organization in pretty much every other way.  The NSA has been criticized for monitoring, collecting and analyzing the data of law-abiding Americans.  But they can’t be criticized for having a clear mission statement, an engaged workforce, and a lot of opportunities for new training.  Opponents of mass data collection point out the NSA’s clear violations of constitutional rights, but will admit that the NSA does have great medical benefits and a lot of good options in most of the vending machines.