Total Jokes: 12/31

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  • Uber says it has given 1 billion rides since 2010 which has broken the record set by your mama.
  • In Florida, a U.S. Postal Service worker was arrested after police said she hit a parked vehicle with her mail truck while under the influence of alcohol.  Apparently, nothing stops the Postal Service from delivering the mail.  Neither snow nor rain nor Peach Schnapps…
  • A YouTube clip of a priest in the Philippines riding one of those hoverboard up and down the aisle of a church during Christmas Mass has gone viral.  When he was preaching about fire and hot brimstone, he was talking about the temperature of his feet.  
  • A new study shows that restaurant customers are four times more likely to order dessert when their server is overweight.  The same study shows that customers are nine times more likely to order alcohol when their server is raging drunk.  
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Total Jokes 12/29

  • Rapper Fabolous gave his 7-year-old son, Johan, two blinged-out Rolex watches totaling $34,000.  The watches will be useful when Johan wants to learn about time, like the time his dad blew his college savings fund.

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  • A new report says that Kylie Jenner holds the record this year for likes on Instagram with over 1 billion.  When friends told Jenner that she had so many likes that she’d never be able to count them all, she replied “Wow!   I’ve got 7?”
  • In Washington State, a glitch in a prison computer system has allowed over 3,200 inmates to be released early.  See?  This is what happens when you hire The Joker to be your IT guy.  
  • Ex-New York Governor George Pataki has withdrawn from the 2016 Presidential Race.  In related news, George Pataki was apparently part of the 2016 Presidential Race.  
  • In Illinois, emergency workers spent several hours rescuing a cat who was stuck in a pipe drain.  The cat thanked the workers for their efforts by looking at them briefly then running underneath the ottoman.  

Given To the Sea

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Pirithous stood waist deep in the frothing sea, holding his infant son to the crackling sky.  Lightning cut a jagged seam in the black clouds.  A great gale nearly blew the Athenian off his feet as he called out to the water.

“Poseidon!” he cried.  “I have come to repay my debt!”

Athenians were notoriously unlucky at sea and Pirithous was no exception.  In his youth, his pride had taken him far into the Aegean on many adventures.  During this time in the blue expanse, he had a chance encounter with the Leviathan of Desponia, a monstrous Cetacean that had terrorized the waters since the days of the Titans.  Fueled by ego, Pirithous had cast his harpoon into the great fish which pulled his ship all the way to the Island of Crete.  He fought the monster with all his might yet the beast had crippled his ship and Pirithous’s courage began to leave him.  He had called out to Poseidon, pleading for the strength to slay the monster.  The God of the Sea, a benefactor of a the adventurous and an avaricious coveter both, bargained with the embattled mariner.  The terms: a victory over the Leviathan for Pirithous’s first-born son.  With the water rising around him, the prideful sailor agreed.

Pirithous’s return to Athens was celebrated by all and the flesh of the Leviathan provided a feast for the people that lasted six years.  The beast’s great jawbone became the archway through which all comers entered the city.  A maiden named Cleito, enraptured by tales of Pirithous’s courage, married him and bore him a son.

And so the day had come for Pirithous to settle his obligations and give his child to the Deep.

Poseidon rose from the sea on a great throne of coral reef and pearl which shone in the grey waves like a torch in the night.  His hair, curled and unruly, was matted by a crown of driftwood and barnacles.  He held his Golden Trident towards the shore and pointed to the Athenian.

“Who calls upon the Earth-Shaker, the Tamer of Horses, the God of the Deep?”

“It is I, Pirithous,” he screamed over the crash of waves.  “For my debt owed to you, I give you my son!”

Pirithous held the screaming infant aloft, saying a final prayer.  His son’s pink legs quaked and shivered in the spray of saltwater.  Pirithous’s hands tightened around the boy’s waist as he prepared to cast him into the whirling spume.

“HEY! HEY!  What’s going on here?” a shrill-voice called from the beach.  It was Cleito, Pirithous’s wife.  “What the heck are you doing?”

Poseidon looked away.  “Busted…”

“Aw, crap,” Pirithous muttered.  “It’s nothing.  Go back inside.”

“What are you doing with the baby?” she said stomping closer and closer to the waters edge.

“I am…” he cleared his throat.  “I am giving him to the Sea!”

“You what?”

“I have to…”

“No, I heard you the first time.  I just couldn’t believe my ears,” she yelled.  “Did you think that maybe I would want to be consulted about that decision?  We’re supposed to be a team.”

“It doesn’t really concern you.”

“Doesn’t concern me?  Doesn’t concern me?  It’s my little baby so I think it concerns me.  In fact, I’m apparently the only one who is concerned.  He’s out here in the cold without even a jacket on Pirithous!”

The sailor lowered the boy from the sky.  “It’s not that cold,” he mumbled.

“Why would you have to sacrifice him anyway?” she demanded, glaring at Poseidon.  “Let me guess, it was the stupid whale, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t look at me, lady!” the God objected.  “He’s your husband.”

“Yeah, we’ll just have see about that too,” she said, reaching out for her son. Pirithous handed the boy back to his wife while avoiding eye contact.  She snatched him back greedily.  “What were you even going to do with my baby once this one here gave him to the sea?”

“I don’t know,” Poseidon replied, glancing at Pirithous.  “I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”

“Well, you two need to figure something else out because I’m not signing off on this.  Period.”

“But you can’t…”

“Nope!”  Cleito turned and walked back to their home, the babe safely in her arms.

“Honey, we can’t just…”

“Figure it out!”

The sea grew silent.  The wind slowed to a calm breeze and the tremendous claps of thunder turned to distant echos.  The only sound now was the waves gently lapping upon the shore.

“Women…” Pirithous shook his head.

“I feel you man,” Poseidon said.  “I feel you.”

Total Jokes: 12/20

  • We asked 100 people if they knew the difference between Ms. Columbia and Ms. Philippines…

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  • Indiana Pacers forward Paul George reportedly received a thirty-five thousand dollar fine from the NBA on Saturday for using a profane word while criticizing a referee.  In related news, my Dad owes the NBA seven-hundred and forty million dollars.
  • The US average for gasoline has hit $2.00 per gallon the lowest since 2009.  Good news for the US economy.  Great news for frugal arsonists!
  • A Salvadoran man is being sued for $1M stemming from an incident in which he was stranded at sea and ate his fellow shipmate.   The man was quoted as saying, “I mean, he was good.  Not $1 M dollars good…but you know…fine.”
  • A church in the German capital of Berlin recently held a Star Wars-themed service as part of a series attempting to attract younger members.  Stay tuned next week for a Sermon titled “Netflix and Goodwill”.

Total Jokes: 12/17

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  • In Houston, a man shut down a major highway so he could propose to his girlfriend.  Enraged motorists were happy to show the man the finger next to the one the engagement ring goes on.  
  • A new study shows that sleeping with a dog is a good way to get a more secure and relaxed rest.  The same study showed that sleeping with a cat is a good way to get scratch marks on your feet.  
  • A group of pigeons attracted to the warmth of grow lights in a drug dealers house inadvertently helped police in the UK find $70,000 of illegal marijuana.  Apparently, they were stool pigeons.    
  • Martin Shkreli, a pharmaceutical industry entrepreneur previously criticized for raising the price of life-saving drugs, was arrested early Thursday on securities fraud charges.  The Judge originally set his bail at $130,000 but then jacked it up to $72,000,000 for no reason.  
  • Russian President Vladimir Putin said recently that Donald Trump is the “absolute leader in the presidential race” adding that he is “a bright and talented person.”  Putin then suppressed a laugh and said, “You guys should definitely elect him.”