Top 5 Tips to Stay Warm This Winter

It’s Fall and I’m sure you noticed that there is a nip in the air that wasn’t there before.  Here are some helpful tips on how to keep warm in your house this Winter…

  • Leave Your Space Heater On Indefinitely – It’s nearly impossible to tell when Jack Frost might come nipping at your nose, so why not leave that ceramic space heater on just in case?  Space heaters are typically most effective when left near thin drapes or on stacks of old newspapers.
  • Jog in Place Constantly – Nothing beats the chill of winter like working up a nice sweat. When the temperature outside dips below 40 degrees, try jogging in place at all times.  Switch between high-knees, hit-its, and burpees for some variety.  Don’t drink any water though.  Because ONLY LOSERS NEED WATER!
  • Keep a Canister of Mace Handy – Home improvement contractors for ages have used the adage “Any heat is good heat.” Following their advice, don’t discount the extra jolt of chemical warmth a short burst of pepper spray to the face can give you.  You’ll forget all about how chilly it is when you’re rinsing your eyes out in the bathtub.
  • Ensnare the Sun God, Helios – Easily the highest risk for the highest reward here, but if you can devise a way to trick the ancient deity (he likes horses oddly enough) and trap him in some sort of enchanted jar or other transparent conductive container, you will be able to pleasantly warm your house for eternity.  Editors Note: You should consult the Oracle at Delphi and your local township building code before doing this.  
  • Climb Inside a Freshly Killed Bison Carcass – Typically used as a temporary solution as the animals innards grow cold in a matter of minutes, but it’s effective when you’re in a pinch and don’t want to turn the thermostat up any more.  Disposal can be challenging as most municipalities limit trash collection to one bison per household.

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