New Encyclopedia Entries: 9/20

Crispus Attuks – First person killed during the Boston Massacre and not, as his name would suggest, one of the bounty hunters commissioned by Darth Vader to capture the Millennium Falcon.  Attucks was a seaman and dockworker in Massachusetts, even though with that name he could easily be piloting a Mandalorian slave ship in pursuit of famed intergalactic smuggler, Han Solo.  An icon of the Revolutionary War, Attuks is held up by historians as a martyr although, for my money, he really could have made a nice career collecting Wookie scalps for Jabba the Hutt.

Pomeranian Voivodeship – A province in northern Poland where Albert Patterson of Albany, NY is hiding from his responsibilities.  We know you’re there Albert.  Just come home.

Death of Marat – A painting by Jacques-Louis David which shows the French Revolutionary Jean-Paul Marat dead in a bathtub with a bunch of sheets and towels and blankets, which must have been normal back then?  The depiction is a subtle insight into the fragility of powerful figures and into the apparent French custom of taking dry linens into the bathtub with them.  Plus, he has a towel wrapped around his head which would lead one to assume that most French people did that as well, I guess?

Absolute Zero – Refers to either a theoretical temperature present at the lower limit of thermodynamic physics or your ex-husband.

Jägermeister – Yeah, get me two…wait no…Bridget!  Bridget!  BRIDGET!  Do you want a shot?  Jaeger.  Ok, three shots.  How much is that?  Huh?  How much?  Fifteen.  Yeah, put it on the card.  It’s under uh…Bridget!  BRIDGET!  What’s your brother-in-law’s last name?  Ok.  Put it on Campbell.

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