Total Jokes: 8/16

-The Food and Drug Administration has approved the powerful narcotic painkiller OxyContin for children in as low as fourth grade. The FDA maintains that the drug should only be used to treat “the most extreme wedgies.”

-A Bud Light truck overturned on a highway in Florida, spilling beer cans all over the road. A Florida State University branch campus was founded at the scene shortly afterwards.

-Astronomers have found more evidence into how the Earth was formed after spotting a new, young planet which they say is extremely hot. Read more about it in this month’s issue of “Creepy Astronomer.”

-A shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has declared their business to be a “Muslim-free zone.” “Darn,” said Muslims.

-Student athletes at several division one universities will now be required to take a course that helps them stay out of trouble. The class is titled: “Don’t Go to a Bar and Drink Half of a Bottle of Goldschlager then Get into a Heated Argument with Your Girlfriend then Punch Her Platonic Guy Friend then Drive Drunk to Her House and Take a Dump on the Front Porch then Instagram It 101.”

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