Montpelier, VT – During a campaign stop Tuesday, Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders unveiled a new plan to break the nation’s dependency on combs. The self-identified Democratic Socialist noted to a crowd of 200 supporters that our nation’s comb supply has been “brutally mismanaged” and over-combing has become a “landmark issue.” Going along with his other platforms including reforming private industry and combating the growing income gap, Sanders railed against the comb lobbyists, who have most of Washington in their pocket.
“The day of Big Comb conglomerates like American Comb, Cardinal Comb and WH Bagshaw purchasing politicians and gaming the system to advance their own interests is over,” Sanders said to raucous applause. “I have a plan that will eliminate Americans dependence on combs and maybe even brushes too.”
Sanders went on for nearly twenty-two minutes explaining how one “very nice” comb would be passed around to everyone in the United States. The comb is to be quickly used, cleaned with rubbing alcohol and passed on to the nearest US citizen.
“The comb will be extremely elegant. Like made of tortoise-shell or something,” Sanders explained to an enraptured crowd. “If we all can just limit ourselves to one or two sweeps of our hair with The Comb and then share it with someone close to you, remembering to clean it thoroughly of course, then we can eliminate this problem once and for all.
Jeb Bush has slammed the Comb plan calling it “untenable.” While Hillary Clinton, perhaps piggybacking on the grassroots fervor generated by Sanders, tweeted her new plan for “One Nation, Two Combs,” only minutes after Sanders’ speech. This is likely an appeal to more moderate voters who don’t believe one comb for 300 million people could possibly be enough.