“The New Fantastic Four Movie Murdered My Brother” by Rolling Stone Movie Reviewer Peter Travers

There is evil in the world.  I have stared in its eyes and known its intentions.  I have breathed in its fumes and nearly drowned in the toxic wake of gutter sludge its locomotion creates.  Yet, I have survived.  I have clawed my way to escape and my resolve is now strengthened.  I must be a good man.  A man of action.  A man who will not stand idly by while the arrhythmic beating of a black heart causes discord in our society.  I will speak.  The New Fantastic Four movie murdered my brother, Alan.

This story goes back several years but it starts, as it always does, with a woman.

Alan Travers was a worldly man.  He was no stranger to exotic tastes.  In fact, he craved them.  He traveled all of the world to slake these thirsts.  Kayaking in the Amazon.  Big-game hunting in Africa.  He gathered no moss, did my brother.  After a recent zip lining trip to Peru, Alan decided that his attention needed to be turned East.  He had been to Japan many times but each trip he felt as though he left something behind there.  No so much a piece of himself was missing but rather there something he forgot to conquer.  So he chartered a sail boat to the mainland.

He met Yukio in a kaiten sushi bar in Tokyo.  As the sashimi passed over the conveyor belt, their eyes met over an eel roll.  Love truly is the universal language and soon their feelings blossomed like lotus flowers.

Yukio’s prior lover was in fact the new Fantastic Four movie.  And a jealous lover it was.  Despite the fact that Yukio had ended it with The New Fantastic Four movie, it was desperate to regain her love and reclaim its honor.  Socrates said that “the greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”  However, the new Fantastic Four movie could not fundamentally change its soul, dark and bitter thing as it was.

The new Fantastic Four movie happened upon Alan and Yukio one night at a Kagaya, a cat-themed cosplay bar in downtown Tokyo.  Alan and Yukio sat in their modest costumes, lapping milk gingerly out of a cold ceramic bowl.  They would nuzzle each other gently, as most cats are wont to do.  The New Fantastic Four movie saw the display of the affection it had squandered and flew into a fit of rage, forgetting its honor and rushing at Alan with a butterfly knife drawn.

They struggled for a bit and Alan, despite being sinewy with muscle from his adventuring, was overcome.  The knife struck like lightening over the sea.  And Alan Travers was no more.  The new Fantastic Four movie, still covered with my family’s blood, tried to embrace Yukio but she refused him.  She ran out into the night.  Yoked with the ponderous shame and melancholy of a love lost, Yukio ran to the top of the Tokyo Sky Tree building and threw herself from the roof.

The new Fantastic Four movie fled to America where it was able to remain in hiding for several years.  It finally showed its face this past weekend, but I have seen it.  A disgraced and dangerous thing is in our midst.  Something had to be done.  So I have played my part.  And though revenge is an empty promise, a hollow contract which leaves the signee cold and unfulfilled, my family honor is restored.  And now I must live with what I have done.

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