Moderator Megyn Kelly: Good evening and welcome to the first Republican Primary debate. As previously mentioned all candidates on the dais tonight have been drinking for the last few hours. We’re hoping that the alcohol will serve as a sort of “truth lubricant” and we can finally get some honest conversations from everyone. Mr. Trump we’ll start with you. Many Republicans have distanced themselves from your latest statements about Mexican immigrants. How do you hope to unite the nation with such derisive comments?
Donald Trump: Hey, whoa, whoa. Listen. Listen. You are…you are a pretty hot little lady. You…I think you are really just stunning. Don’t you guys think she’s hot?
Mike Huckabee: Ah…c’mon dude. Don’t be like that.
Donald Trump: Wha? You got ice water in your veins or what? The broad is smoking!
Moderator Megyn Kelly: I’m disgusted with you, yet I almost want you to be President for some reason. Dr. Ben Carson, you’ve admitted that you are uneducated in matters of foreign policy. Would you care to comment on why you feel you’d make a good representative of the United States?
Dr. Ben Carson: I’ll tell you what the problem is. These kids today don’t like good music. Man, back in the day we had James Brown and the Jimi Hendrix. Hell, I even got into Joni Mitchell. She could groove man. But now there’s no melody, you know.
Moderator Bret Baier: Senator Cruz, in your view have Russia and China committed acts of cyber warfare?
Ted Cruz: Huh? Ah…I don’t give a crap. Russia never hacked no compruter of mine. I’ll tell you that! I got a got password. ahem..a good password.
Ben Carson: Even the 80’s were solid, man. I think Prince is one of the most underrated guitarists oh all time.
Chris Christie: Bruce Springsteen is better than Prince any day of the week.
Ben Carson: Are you out of your damn mind? He’s a good song-writer I’ll give you that, but guitar player?
Mike Huckabee: I always thought Steve Winwood got overlooked a lot.
Ben Carson: You are kidding me?
Chris Christie: Yeah, that’s a terrible opinion.
Moderator Megyn Kelly: Rand Paul, several of your fellow candidates have criticized your stance on the NSA’s wiretapping initiative, Marco Rubio chief amongst them. How do you respond to Mr. Rubio’s comments that say broad wiretapping is not a violation of the constitution.
Rand Paul: Oh yeah? Did you say that s–t, Rubio?
Marco Rubio: What if I did, tough guy? What are you going to do about it?
Rand Paul: You wanna go? Cause I’ll go.
(they wrestle each other to the ground)
Moderator Bret Baier: Mr. Walker, you can’t urinate there.
Scott Walker: “If you like Pina Colada…”
Mike Huckabee: Ooh. Who sings that song? That’s got good guitar in it.
Chris Christie: Christ…
Ben Carson: Unbelievable…