Birthday Card – Printed message given to person on the anniversary of their birth which must then be kept in storage until their death. The giving of Birthday Cards was a tradition started in ancient Egypt where papyrus scrolls were given to friends who were socially obligated to retain the scrolls throughout their life and be buried with them upon their passage to the afterlife. Birthday Cards range in cost from $2.99 to $7.99 and must never, ever be thrown away lest someone get all bent out of shape about it.
Computer Keyboard – Elaborate scientific instrument used to collect bacteria samples. With its many ridges, crevices and nooks, the keyboard is the perfect tool to collect everything from dead skin, sneeze residue, hair follicles, cracker crumbs and dried nasal mucus. At the end of the collection cycle, users administer bursts of compressed air into the keyboard, dispensing the bacteria into the atmosphere.
Glasses – Framed lenses used to correct vision that also make people think you’re good with computers or something. Glasses come in several shapes, styles and prescription strengths, all of which give off the vibe that you know what UNIX is.
Sex – Act of human procreation which is practiced most frequently in the time frame right after one picks up the kids from daycare and right before one has to cook dinner.