7 Facts About Managing God Damn Millennials
by a Crotchety Old Man
Millennials are the group of people born between 1980 and 2000. They have been entering the workforce and will soon become a driving force in our economy which is scary because they don’t know nothing about nothing. Here are some tips to managing the worst generation that the world has ever seen as they become part of your company.
1) They love working in a team environment. – Millennials like having a lot of people working on the same project because they like diffusing as much responsibility as possible. This is because their adoring parents never held them personally accountable for anything. Rick’s daughter actually tried to go with her son to his job interview at Dairy Queen. Can you believe that? So, I don’t know, put them in a group for all I care…
2) They like constant praise. – Guess what? You aren’t going to get a trophy for everything. Sometimes you can’t cut it and that’s that. You deal with it and move on. No one is going to come swooping in to save you. Give me a break…
3) They expect to be promoted quickly. – Let me tell you something. Do you know how long it took me to get where I am? Twenty-five years. And I made plenty of mistakes along the way. That’s how you learn. You don’t learn from an app or from Khan Academy. You learn by doing. You start at the bottom and you learn the business inside and out. You can’t just quit a job every two years because you weren’t promoted to Senior Vice-President of Websites or whatever.
3) They’re technologically inclined. – Tell me about it! Janice and I went to the mall last night and we see all these kids walking around and no one is even talking to each other. They’ve all got square-eyes from staring at their phone. Is Angry Birds more interesting than real life? Kids don’t even look at the windows of cars anymore. There’s a whole world out there you know…
4) They’re passionate about the environment. – Millennials just love nature. But when I asked my nephew if he wanted to go bow hunting last year you would have thought I asked him to speak Chinese. Stick a god damn recycling can at the front of the building and watch them go bananas over it like they’re saving the world.
5) They’re not fueled by money. – Because they’re idiots and we should just all share everything like a bunch of morons, right? Would it be great if we could just take care of our basic needs and help out our fellow man? Yes. But if you think your neighbor’s going to come over and offer you a bowl of soup when the stock market collapses, then you’re outta your mind. The world just doesn’t work like that. I wish it did. But it doesn’t.
6) They want a work-life balance. – Millennials don’t want to work all the time because they’re lazy. My grandfather worked in a steel mill in homestead in the late 1800’s. He worked 16 hours per day, 6 days a week and only had half of every other Sunday off. That’s when men were men. Now I’m not saying we need to go back to that. When I missed Andy’s homecoming dance because I was in Toledo for that trade show…well Janice and I got into a big scrap and she said something to the effect of “What’s the point of being a parent when you’re never even there?” That…that stuck with me.
7) They like to have fun at work. – I was at that tech start-up downtown a few years ago. I was trying to sell them a new line of telecom solutions. This is back when I was with Comcast for those few months. The company designs websites or something. Their office was absurd. My grandfather would be rolling over in his grave if he saw this place. Everyone was in jeans and t-shirts. There was a ping-pong table set up in the break room. People looked like they were having a blast. The office manager was some young kid, probably your son’s age, and…he was actually a really sharp guy. Good handshake. Looked me right in the eye. He seemed like he was having fun too. The whole environment did seem…nice…you know?