World’s First: Sarcastic Person

I love pioneers.  I love thinking about the fact that there had to be a first person to do something.  I’ve talked about the World’s First Garbage Can Salesman and the first person to Rhyme.  Here’s another one…

The year is 500 BC.  A number of cities have sprung up in Preten Basin in modern day Guatemala, creating societies and agriculture and jobs.  IXCHEL is a Mayan laborer.  She is not happy in her job and has finally had enough of her supervisor, AAPO.

AAPO: What is this large pile of recently sacrificed corpses still doing sitting here?  Ixchel, what has happened?  I told you to move these bodies from the base of temple.

IXCHEL: I’m swamped.  I’m trying as best I can to speed up my process, but Quetzl was using my wheelbarrow.

AAPO: Well, you need to get these bodies moved.  Remember we have a big ceremonial sacrifice tomorrow and I’d like the place to look tidy.  The Gods must have their thirst slaked by spilled blood.

IXCHEL: Gee golly, Aapo.   I’d sure would like to spend as much time as possible with this rotting, rancid heap of corpses.  I must have plumb forgot to do my job!

AAPO (confused):  Well please remember next time.

IXCHEL: I didn’t actually forget, you dope.

AAPO:  Oh, then why did you say you had forgotten?

IXCHEL: I’m not sure.  I said it one way but I meant the exact opposite.   That’s never happened before.

AAPO: Why would you have not just said what you meant?

IXCHEL: Because I feel as though you are treating me like an idiot.  Therefore, I wanted to try to make it obvious that I was displeased and at the same time try to make you feel stupid for pointing out something that would be clear to any person of normal intelligence.

AAPO: Women are vexing. This does not make sense to me.  Now get back to work.

IXCHEL: Oh yes sir!  Is there anything else I can do you you, Divine King!

AAPO: You should not address me as that because I am not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá, the true lord.

IXCHEL: I know you’re not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá.  Duh!

AAPO: This is confusing.

IXCHEL: I’m so surprised you don’t understand.  After all, you are the smartest person in all of Tikal!

AAPO: Well…thank you…I suppose.

IXCHEL: Well, I guess I’ll get back to work at my favorite job in the world.  I just can’t wait to get my hands covered in bacteria-infested viscera so you can take all the credit.

AAPO: That’s the spirit!

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