John Dick Winters put together a great show at Club Cafe where several comedians got into character for a Roast of Batman. Here are some of my jokes I used as the Riddler…
Bane played by John Dick Winters
Dude, Bane was a monster back in the day. You were a beast! Remember when we almost took States in Football? What the hell happened? You’re so fat. You look like you replaced your steroid serum with honey mustard.
What’s up with you know? You’re all philosophical. You’re quoting Stalin. I remember you back when you were in that Batman and Robin movie and you were kind of a huge idiot. What happened? Did you enroll in the University of Phoenix online?
You’re part of the league of shadows, right? The league of shadows. You’re so fat it’s more like the league of lunar eclipses.
Two-Face played by Ian Insect
God Billy Dee. You’ve really changed. You used to be a suave dude. Now you look like a Penny Marshall fell asleep in a tanning bed.
Two-face always says, “You either die the hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” There’s a third option called “You’re actually just a jerk and no one really liked you to begin with.”
Commissioner Gordon played by James Hamilton
You have a wife but Batman is definitely your side piece. Why else would you get him his own special little red phone that only connects to your number?
Mr. Freeze played by Shannon Norman
Mr. Freeze has his wallet permanently frozen shut. This guy invites me to lunch to talk about some dumb scam he was going try and pull, like he wanted to blow up a zoo so the whole town terrorized by mean peacocks or some shit. So we go to lunch and it was a nice restaurant. We sit down and he says, “You gotta get this drink they make here.” it was like a Mai Thai or something. I say I don’t want a drink but he insists. So I get one. It’s like $14. Comes time to order the food, I say I just want a chicken sandwich and a fruit cup. That’s all I wanted. I was on the South Beach Diet. He makes this big deal to the waiter and like says, “You can get a chicken sandwich anywhere! When you come here you get the roast lamb” or whatever the hell it was. I don’t want something that heavy because it’s like noon and I’m not ready for that and it’s like the most expensive thing on the menu. But I order it anyway because I’m like embarrassed at this point. So the meal was good and the waiter asks how we want the check and Freeze says “Just one.” So the bill comes and surprise surprise, he’s like “I lost my wallet fighting Nightwing like two days earlier.” So now I have to pay. Then he get’s up from the table and says, “Ice to see you.” And I’m like WTF just happened?
Superman played by Travis Walling
What’s up nerd? Why don’t you fly around the world so we can go back in time and make sure the movie Superman Returns was never made. “Ooh…a movie about Superman where he doesn’t punch anything. Call Harvey Weinstein!”
You look so weak and gaunt. You look like you’ve been freebasing kryptonite.
The Penguin played by Derek Minto
What is your super power? You just eat fish all the time?
You’re supposed to be a crime boss but all you eat is fish. What are you, the Cod Father?
You’re so ugly. I can fix that though. I know a great plastic sturgeon.
That joke always krills.
Alright alright I’ll let you off the hook.
Joker played by Alex Stypula
You know what’s really hilarious? You have to wear make up. What brand is that Sephora? Bare Minerals? When you run out do you have to stage a heist at Macy’s?
Batman played by Ray Zawodni
Here’s a riddle: what’s white and red and burnt all over? Robin after Nelly-bones beat him to death with a crowbar and blew him up with a firebomb. It’s funny because it’s your fault.
Your main weapon is a boomerang. That’s got to be really effective nowadays. Are there a lot of kangaroos committing bank robberies?
People call you the world’s greatest detective. It must be really hard to figure out who used an ice gun to freeze Gotham’s water supply. Hmm…who could that have been? I just don’t know. Slueth of the century over here.
Why does everyone call you “the batman?” That’s really annoying. It’s like my one buddy. He went to Ohio State. He was a Theta. He’s always like “the” Ohio State University. Super-annoying.
You’re really fat. You look like that dude Newman from Seinfeld. You’re like the Dark Wayne Knight.
You know that Giant Penny that he keeps in the Batcave? He got that cause he thought it was full of Easter chocolate.
What’s in your utility belt dude, Kraft Singles?
You’ve got Bat-man boobs.