“Cecil Who?” by The Internet Next Week

Cecil?  Nope.  I don’t really remember.  Boy, the name rings a bell, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I remember something went on last week that got me really steamed but blast it if I know what it was.  I just had a busy week and my mind isn’t what it used to be.

I remember something about a lady NFL coach and then there was something about something…did Cecil have something to do with Donald Trump?  Dang!  It’s seems really familiar.

I just saw a baby elephant play with a ribbon today!  It was so cute.  It was like twirling it around and playing with it like it was on a rhythmic gymnastics team.

Oh my god and did you see what Jerry Seinfeld said 32 years ago on the Merv Griffin show?  How chauvinistic is that guy anyway?  It’s like, I think I have a great sense of humor but how many masculine pronouns can you use in one comedy set?  Sexist much?

Yeah Cecil…I just…nope.  No idea what you’re referring to.

Oh man, did you see the thing about that dentist that killed himself after being bullied by people on the internet?  What’s this world coming to?

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Here’s What Would Happen if You Were President

It’s your first day as President.  You’ve got a lot of big ideas, don’t you?  Let’s see how those are working out…

You: As my first order of business, I’d like to end the war in the Middle East.

Cabinet Member: Can’t.

You: Why?

Cabinet Member: I don’t know…it’s like, complicated.

You: Yeah I guess I should have known that.  Ok.  I’d like to break up some of the big banks so that they don’t like, screw everyone over.

Cabinet Member: Yeesh.  Think again.

You: No good?

Cabinet Member: No good.

You: Why no good?

Cabinet Member: Who’s going to do that?

You: I don’t know.  Don’t we have like a department that does that?

Cabinet Member: Nah.

You: Could we create one that does that?

Cabinet Member: You could, I guess.  But there’s like a ton of forms and then Congress, you know…

You: Hmm.  Yeah.

Cabinet Member: Next.

You: Um…there’s a lot of people in prison.

Cabinet Member: Uh-huh…

You: I was thinking…

Cabinet Member: Uh-huh…

You: Can we…release them or something?  Just the good ones though.

Cabinet Member: How can we tell the good from the bad?

You: Can’t we just interview them or something?

Cabinet Member: Seems like a lot of work.

You: Yeah, good point.

(silence)

You: Can we assassinate someone?

Cabinet Member: Now you’re talking!

Total Jokes 7/28/15

+ The Arizona Cardinals have hired Jen Welter as an Inside Linebacker Coaching intern, a big step for workplace equality in the NFL.  As the first female coach in pro football history, Jen will not be getting paid 75% of what her male counterparts make.  Since she’s an intern, she won’t be getting paid at all.

+ Welter earned her undergraduate at Boston College, then earned a Master’s degree, then went on to earn a Doctoral degree in sports psychology.   Welter is hoping inspire future generations of women who want student loan payments until they’re 62.

+ German car company Volkswagen is now the world’s most dominant car manufacturer.  Volkswagen accomplished this by first invading the Polish auto market, then occupying Denmark and Norway’s roads with affordable Passats.  Then they started dropping Jetta’s on Great Britain day and night for several weeks.  Then the French just let them waltz right in…

+ A new study revealed that CEO’s for large companies like Wal-Mart and Starbucks make an average of almost $6,000/hr.  So go ahead workers, take a couple pens home with you.

7 Facts About Managing God Damn Millennials

7 Facts About Managing God Damn Millennials 
by a Crotchety Old Man

Millennials are the group of people born between 1980 and 2000.  They have been entering the workforce and will soon become a driving force in our economy which is scary because they don’t know nothing about nothing.  Here are some tips to managing the worst generation that the world has ever seen as they become part of your company.

1) They love working in a team environment. –  Millennials like having a lot of people working on the same project because they like diffusing as much responsibility as possible.  This is because their adoring parents never held them personally accountable for anything.  Rick’s daughter actually tried to go with her son to his job interview at Dairy Queen.  Can you believe that?  So, I don’t know, put them in a group for all I care…

2) They like constant praise. – Guess what?  You aren’t going to get a trophy for everything.  Sometimes you can’t cut it and that’s that.  You deal with it and move on.  No one is going to come swooping in to save you.  Give me a break…

3) They expect to be promoted quickly. – Let me tell you something. Do you know how long it took me to get where I am?  Twenty-five years.  And I made plenty of mistakes along the way.  That’s how you learn.  You don’t learn from an app or from Khan Academy.  You learn by doing.  You start at the bottom and you learn the business inside and out.  You can’t just quit a job every two years because you weren’t promoted to Senior Vice-President of Websites or whatever.

3) They’re technologically inclined. –  Tell me about it!  Janice and I went to the mall last night and we see all these kids walking around and no one is even talking to each other.  They’ve all got square-eyes from staring at their phone.  Is Angry Birds more interesting than real life?  Kids don’t even look at the windows of cars anymore.  There’s a whole world out there you know…

4) They’re passionate about the environment. – Millennials just love nature.  But when I asked my nephew if he wanted to go bow hunting last year you would have thought I asked him to speak Chinese. Stick a god damn recycling can at the front of the building and watch them go bananas over it like they’re saving the world.

5) They’re not fueled by money. –  Because they’re idiots and we should just all share everything like a bunch of morons, right?  Would it be great if we could just take care of our basic needs and help out our fellow man?  Yes.  But if you think  your neighbor’s going to come over and offer you a bowl of soup when the stock market collapses, then you’re outta your mind.  The world just doesn’t work like that.  I wish it did.  But it doesn’t.

6) They want a work-life balance. – Millennials don’t want to work all the time because they’re lazy.  My grandfather worked in a steel mill in homestead in the late 1800’s.  He worked 16 hours per day, 6 days a week and only had half of every other Sunday off.  That’s when men were men.  Now I’m not saying we need to go back to that.  When I missed Andy’s homecoming dance because I was in Toledo for that trade show…well Janice and I got into a big scrap and she said something to the effect of “What’s the point of being a parent when you’re never even there?”  That…that stuck with me.

7) They like to have fun at work. – I was at that tech start-up downtown a few years ago.  I was trying to sell them a new line of telecom solutions.  This is back when I was with Comcast for those few months. The company designs websites or something. Their office was absurd.  My grandfather would be rolling over in his grave if he saw this place.  Everyone was in jeans and t-shirts.  There was a ping-pong table set up in the break room.  People looked like they were having a blast.  The office manager was some young kid, probably your son’s age, and…he was actually a really sharp guy.  Good handshake.  Looked me right in the eye.  He seemed like he was having fun too.  The whole environment did seem…nice…you know?

World’s First: Sarcastic Person

I love pioneers.  I love thinking about the fact that there had to be a first person to do something.  I’ve talked about the World’s First Garbage Can Salesman and the first person to Rhyme.  Here’s another one…

The year is 500 BC.  A number of cities have sprung up in Preten Basin in modern day Guatemala, creating societies and agriculture and jobs.  IXCHEL is a Mayan laborer.  She is not happy in her job and has finally had enough of her supervisor, AAPO.

AAPO: What is this large pile of recently sacrificed corpses still doing sitting here?  Ixchel, what has happened?  I told you to move these bodies from the base of temple.

IXCHEL: I’m swamped.  I’m trying as best I can to speed up my process, but Quetzl was using my wheelbarrow.

AAPO: Well, you need to get these bodies moved.  Remember we have a big ceremonial sacrifice tomorrow and I’d like the place to look tidy.  The Gods must have their thirst slaked by spilled blood.

IXCHEL: Gee golly, Aapo.   I’d sure would like to spend as much time as possible with this rotting, rancid heap of corpses.  I must have plumb forgot to do my job!

AAPO (confused):  Well please remember next time.

IXCHEL: I didn’t actually forget, you dope.

AAPO:  Oh, then why did you say you had forgotten?

IXCHEL: I’m not sure.  I said it one way but I meant the exact opposite.   That’s never happened before.

AAPO: Why would you have not just said what you meant?

IXCHEL: Because I feel as though you are treating me like an idiot.  Therefore, I wanted to try to make it obvious that I was displeased and at the same time try to make you feel stupid for pointing out something that would be clear to any person of normal intelligence.

AAPO: Women are vexing. This does not make sense to me.  Now get back to work.

IXCHEL: Oh yes sir!  Is there anything else I can do you you, Divine King!

AAPO: You should not address me as that because I am not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá, the true lord.

IXCHEL: I know you’re not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá.  Duh!

AAPO: This is confusing.

IXCHEL: I’m so surprised you don’t understand.  After all, you are the smartest person in all of Tikal!

AAPO: Well…thank you…I suppose.

IXCHEL: Well, I guess I’ll get back to work at my favorite job in the world.  I just can’t wait to get my hands covered in bacteria-infested viscera so you can take all the credit.

AAPO: That’s the spirit!