I love pioneers. I love thinking about the fact that there had to be a first person to do something. I’ve talked about the World’s First Garbage Can Salesman and the first person to Rhyme. Here’s another one…
The year is 500 BC. A number of cities have sprung up in Preten Basin in modern day Guatemala, creating societies and agriculture and jobs. IXCHEL is a Mayan laborer. She is not happy in her job and has finally had enough of her supervisor, AAPO.
AAPO: What is this large pile of recently sacrificed corpses still doing sitting here? Ixchel, what has happened? I told you to move these bodies from the base of temple.
IXCHEL: I’m swamped. I’m trying as best I can to speed up my process, but Quetzl was using my wheelbarrow.
AAPO: Well, you need to get these bodies moved. Remember we have a big ceremonial sacrifice tomorrow and I’d like the place to look tidy. The Gods must have their thirst slaked by spilled blood.
IXCHEL: Gee golly, Aapo. I’d sure would like to spend as much time as possible with this rotting, rancid heap of corpses. I must have plumb forgot to do my job!
AAPO (confused): Well please remember next time.
IXCHEL: I didn’t actually forget, you dope.
AAPO: Oh, then why did you say you had forgotten?
IXCHEL: I’m not sure. I said it one way but I meant the exact opposite. That’s never happened before.
AAPO: Why would you have not just said what you meant?
IXCHEL: Because I feel as though you are treating me like an idiot. Therefore, I wanted to try to make it obvious that I was displeased and at the same time try to make you feel stupid for pointing out something that would be clear to any person of normal intelligence.
AAPO: Women are vexing. This does not make sense to me. Now get back to work.
IXCHEL: Oh yes sir! Is there anything else I can do you you, Divine King!
AAPO: You should not address me as that because I am not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá, the true lord.
IXCHEL: I know you’re not K’ak’ Tiliw Chan Yopaat of Quiriguá. Duh!
AAPO: This is confusing.
IXCHEL: I’m so surprised you don’t understand. After all, you are the smartest person in all of Tikal!
AAPO: Well…thank you…I suppose.
IXCHEL: Well, I guess I’ll get back to work at my favorite job in the world. I just can’t wait to get my hands covered in bacteria-infested viscera so you can take all the credit.
AAPO: That’s the spirit!