As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, people will be looking to maximize their summer fun. Here are a few tips on how you can make your season enjoyable.
1) Spice up your trip to the pool by forgetting how to swim. The feeling of drowning is a huge adrenaline rush, plus you may get to meet that cute lifegaurd!
2) Have a campfire. But don’t worry, you don’t need to put out the flames when you decide to leave. A cartoon bear told you not to do that? And, praytell, when have you ever listened to edicts from cartoon bears? Hmm? Huh? That’s what I thought.
3) In order to get that perfect beach body, make sure to start your cycle of steroids early in the spring. 200 mg per week of deca durabolan followed by a post-cycle supplement of Clomid or HCG. Nolvadex should be on hand in case symptoms of aromatisation become apparent.
4) I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. Mostly because your son is allergic to peanut butter and I accidentally gave him Reese’s Pieces Blizzard. Hope you packed your Epi-Pen!
5) You’ll have your choice of blockbuster movies to attend. But why spend all that money to watch a movie someone else made? Make your own movie! Stand outside the blonde chick from Joe Dirt’s house with a camera (I think her name is Bridget or Brittany) and yell “Run!” as soon as she steps foot outside. Pulling believable performances out of actors is what makes or breaks a director in this town, babe. Hold on. Ari over at Mirimax is calling me…such a prick that guy. Ari! What’s happening my man?
6) Try to avoid the summer heat. Driving while naked may be illegal but laws weren’t meant to be followed if you are inconvenienced by them. You’re hot, dag nab it!
7) Everyone wants that golden brown skin in the summer. Instead of getting outside and exposing yourself to harmful UV rays, travel to the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and ask for the “Lucern Special.” Five minutes being bombarded by God-particles and you’re sure to have a nice, even tan or your insides might liquify. What am I? A doctor or something?
8) Now is the time to increase the curb appeal of your house. Take down those old charred effigies of President Obama from the oak tree in your front yard. Update them with fresh summer effigies of the latest politician/actor/Baldwin brother of your choosing.
9) Carving a watermelon can be tricky. Try this method. Cut the watermelon in half. And just…I don’t know…just eat the watermelon. Man up and eat the damn thing. How frickin’ hard is this for you anyway? Not really rocket science…
10) Lightning Bugs are one of nature’s prettiest wonders. And as with anything beautiful, they must be destroyed so that no one else may have them.