“You Simply Must Allow Me to Merge Here” by Some Dude in a Honda Crosstour

Hi there.  Would it be possible if I could sneak in there?  I’m kind of stuck in the right lane and I really need to be in the left.  I’m heading for the on-ramp and if I miss it, it’s going to really set me back.  Probably looking at like a 5 minute detour.  So I’m just wondering if you’d let me in?

Sooo…is that a no?  You kind of sped up there almost as if you weren’t going to let me in.  I don’t really see what the big deal is.  It’s not like if you’re going to be inconvenienced.  Are you in a hurry?  I can understand if you are but I really don’t think letting me in right here will be a big deal for you.  It might add, what, thirty seconds to your commute?  It’s going to add like five to ten minutes to mine if I can’t get off on the off ramp.  If you can find it in your heart, just go ahead and let me stick my nose in there and we can both be on our way.

You’re not even going to make eye contact with me, huh?  Just going to stare ahead at the back of that flatbed truck like the sheets of drywall on it are really interesting to you.  I’m motioning to you.  I’m pointing at me then pointing to the small space in front of your car.  I’m asking politely.  I’m getting desperate.  And desperate times call for desperate measures.

Yeah, that was my horn.  I gave you a little honk there.  Did that get your attention?  Do you want another one?  Cause I’ll give you another one.  The exit is seriously coming up right now.  You better shape up and give me some space to merge or I’m going to give you another honk.  But this time it won’t be just a little short burst.  Oh no!  This is going to be a full blown honking!  No tip-toeing around on this one.  You’re going to get it hard.  And you know what comes after that…the finger!  That’s right, the middle finger.  Now I don’t want that to happen but it seems you’re going to leave me no choice.

Well, I’m coming in anyway.  Honda has great safety ratings so I’m no worried about myself.  I have insurance.  There are enough witnesses at this point that I’m sure would corroborate my story in a court of law.  People will definitely be on my side on this one.  They probably see a reasonable man in a Crosstour really trying his hardest to make a legal merge and some jerk wad in a – what is that anyway? –  a Pontiac Solstice?  Yeah it’s a really sporty car…if you’re a 45 year old divorcee!  What kind of man drives a Solstice?  Definitely not one that’s concerned with trunk space, which my car has PLEN-TY of, I might add.  And you might not think it, but chicks dig a guy with a practical concern for side-impact crash test ratings.  So I’ve got my bases covered. Can’t really say the same for you though.

That’s it.  Yep.  That’s it.  I’m going to give you the finger.  I’m going to give you the finger then I’m going to put on The Marshall Mathers LP (that’s Eminem’s first album, in case you didn’t know already), and I’m going to cruise by you flipping the bird.  Because you know why?  You’re a jerk wad.  I’m going to miss my exit and have to do a whole turnaround thing that’s probably going to take me like 25 minutes now that I think about it.  So you’re getting it buddy.  You are getting the…FIN…GER.

Why are you braking?  Don’t want to feel the wrath, huh?

Oh…

Thank you!

Hmm…nice guy.

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