Top 6 Annoying Alien Torture Implements Used on Me in the Past 16 Months

6) Tragladamorfian Timbersnips – The Tragladamorfians are of course known for being a race of sentient plants.  The Timbersnips were invented initially to be used by the male version of the species to prune themselves in gender-specific areas where overgrowth might occur.  Well someone got the bright idea to use them on me one weekend and they definitely smart.

5) Neural Spacer – It’s sort of a gun that shoots Alzheimer’s at you.  Not terrible because you forget most of what happened but the worst is that you can actually feel the memories being torn from your brain.  Then they stuff them back in…hard.

4) King Trispon’s Flamesnap – King Tripson’s reputation was that he was the cool dictator of the Keywork, a network of planets held together by a strange energy field.  I thought he was pretty cool too.  That is until he shut the door to the Chamber of Shadows and ignited his Flamesnap.  How do I describe it?  Well, it’s basically a ball of molten lead attached to a vibrating razor wire.  He walloped me a few times and all of the sudden he didn’t seem so cool anymore.

3) The Never-Ending Spiral – I’ll give you one guess where they insert the Never-Ending Spiral…

2) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – This almost made it to number one.  People on Earth make you sit down and talk about past insecurities and embarrassments, rehashing deeply buried wounds over and over again until they’ve grown numb on the inside.  It’s insanely masochistic.  They pay a detached and unflinching person to ask them hurtful questions that open up memories of pain and anguish and confusion.  I’ll take the neural spacer over this any day.

1) That Red Thing – Dude, that Red Thing…What the heck is even the point of that thing?

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