I absolutely love The Onion’s Book of Known Knowledge. This is a rip-off…
Twitter – Online social networking service which allows users to send short messages called “tweets” and then be fired from their jobs. Each “tweet” is reviewed by a diverse panel of faceless entities called Sensitivity Eunuchs, who screen for things such as offensive verbiage, tasteless jokes or comments with a point of view. These messages are then red-flagged and forwarded on to your specific employer’s Human Resource department where termination occurs shortly thereafter.
Paper – Versatile substance which has been used by humans both to write the Declaration of Independence and wipe boogers into. Paper is made by pulverizing wood pulp and drying it into thin sheets, which can then be used to either print a Bible or clean up your cat’s vomit.
Scissors – One of several sharp implements that your barber could kill you with if they felt like it.