Omaha, NE – The Kansas Jayhawks, a second-seeded NCAA Basketball team, suffered a crushing upset at the hands of rival Wichita State earlier this evening, bringing a terrible shame upon themselves, their school and their respective families. Motivated to purge their embarrassment, the entire fifteen-man roster decided to commit Seppuku during the media’s Q & A session after the game. Plunging short swords into their abdomens one by one, the disgraced basketball players summarily cleansed themselves of the public humiliation by bathing in the agony of cold steel. Equipment manager Lena Thompson served as “second” for members of the team, mercifully lopping off their heads with katana blades after the initial screams of anguish had subsided.
“We were out-scored, out-rebounded, and just plain out-hustled by our bitter enemies,” said head coach Bill Self. “We have molested our honor by such actions.” Coach Self then wrapped a blindfold around his eyes, knelt on the ground and made a deep, left-to-right gash across his abdomen.
The ceremonial disembowelment was shown live on Tru TV, a subsidiary of CBS and was followed by “World’s Dumbest Criminals: Las Vegas Edition.”