Luckily I do deal in hypotheticals, Kristopher Tapley, whoever you are. In fact I’d say that 90% of my day is spent thinking about hypotheticals. Who would win in a pie eating contest: a horse or a zebra? How far could I realistically throw a boomerang? Et Cetera, et cetera.
The title question was posed last night while me and a bunch of other nerds who somehow found women to marry us watched WrestleMania 31. The night featured a promo where Rhonda Rousey, reigning UFC Women’s Champion, hip tossed WWE legend, Triple H. One of the attendees believed that Rhonda Rousey would “murder” Triple H in a real fight. This statement immediately divided the room and led to many arguments for an against. I’d like to break down a tale of the tape and see who would come out on top.
I’m going to preface the rest of this argument with a hypothetical set up just so sensitive people don’t get bent out of shape about a man potentially beating a woman. In this imaginary scenario, Rhonda Rousey has started the fight with Triple H. Still not enough? In this completely made up, fake, imaginary scenario, Rhonda Rousey has Triple H’s father at knife point and is threatening to kill him if Triple H does not engage her in hand-to-hand combat. There. I think that’s enough for us to explore this imaginary scenario without everyone getting all sensitive Again, this is imaginary. Just one more time for the people already drafting e-mails to Salon.com: Rhonda Rousey is a hot-headed, potential murderer and Triple H is just trying to save his dad and this is imaginary.
The most obvious argument for Rhonda is that we have actual proof of her domination during combat. As both a decorated Olympic Judo Champion and UFC Champion, she has definitely proved that she is a force to be reckoned with. Rhonda is both a skilled striker and grappler, most recently making Cat Zingano tap out in 14 seconds from an arm bar.
Rhonda also has the age factor going for her. At 28, she is in her prime and her body would likely be quicker and in better shape. If the fight lasts more than five minutes, Rousey could wear out the much older pro-wrestler. If Rousey were to use her muay thai kicks, she could also potentially cause knee problems that would multiply later in the fight.
Number one thing Triple H has going for him is that he’s an absolutely gigantic, muscle-bound guy. I know Rousey is cut and conditioned and everything but I’m pretty sure Triple H could literally smush her head if he got a hold of her. This isn’t just because he’s a man. It’s because he’s a freak of a man.
Also, wrestlers probably don’t get enough credit for being tough. Sure they pull punches in the ring, but you can’t fake getting slammed over the back with a steel chair or getting dropped on thumbtacks. In my opinion, Triple H probably has the edge in pure toughness over Rousey.
On the negative side, at their heart, wrestlers sell. They sell you on the fact that their unstoppable. They sell you on the fact that they’re the strongest. So Triple H could very well be all bark and no bite, but at this point in his career, I highly doubt it.
The only thing preventing me from saying Triple H would be a clear cut winner is this video from one of the very early UFC fights. It features gigantic tough-guy Kimo Leopaldo vs. little tiny Royce Gracie. Technique really is everything.
So I’m at a deadlock.
I called my buddy who originally posed the question and asked him what he thought. He said Rousey would absolutely kill Triple H. “Triple H has never been in a real fight. Rousey would kill him.”
“Could she beat the Rock in a street fight?” I asked.
“No. The Rock is pretty badass.”