1) Find your nearest tapeworm distributor and buy a two-pack.
2) Stand on a scale holding several hundred balloons.
3) Jeremy broke up with you 6 years ago. Let it go already.
4) Blood accounts for 70% of a human’s total mass…if you catch my drift.
6) Replace your normal, sugary, carbohydrate-loaded breakfast with confused, frantic panting.
7) Take a heaping scoop of Metamucil with every meal so that you can pass that barbell you accidentally ate.
8) Your pants. You won’t be needing them any longer.