When I’m President…

I think the country is too divided.  That’s why we have such trouble picking a President now.  If I was President I would run on three platforms that I know everyone can get behind.

1) First order of business, the death penalty.  I’m going to keep the death penalty but only administer it to people who throw paper towels in urinals.  That’s the only crime that will result in execution by the State.  What about murderers you ask?  Usually people have a reason to murder someone.  If you throw a paper towel in the urinal, you’re flouting the conventions of society and deserved to be removed permanently.

2) Second order of business, in order to go to war, every American citizen will be required to give up their beer money for three months in order to finance the endeavor.  You really want to get involved in the Ukraine?  Fine, but that means no Bud Light Lime for the whole summer.

3) Final order of business, no more internet commenting.  The world will be a better place.  And some people say that it’s too drastic.  “But Jeff, if there is no internet commenting where will we review products and be racist without any repercussions?”

Ok, if you must have internet commenting then here is the deal: before posting, your comment will need to be proofread and approved by your Grandma.  I think that will change the dialogue.  Might be just a little bit more positive.  That is unless your grandma also hates libtards or thinks that the video of “David After Dentist” is part of the reason why people shouldn’t get their children vaccinated.

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