Local Wussy Cries at the Birth of First Child

Minnetonka, MN – Area resident and huge sissy James Sward was seen crying like a little girl when his first born son entered the world at St. Michael’s Women’s Hospital yesterday. Sward, who is known far and wide to be of a weak will and a feeble constitution, just couldn’t deal with the flood of conflicting emotions he experienced during the delivery. For those unfamiliar, emotions are things that only unblooded females feel prior to their 11th birthday.

Wiping tears from his eyes like some kind of coward, Sward attempted to suppress his outburst, which only made the subsequent discharge that much more embarrassing. “It’s like he’s in this world now,” said the silly, little nancy-boy. “And I’m happy for my new life and sad to be closing the chapter on an old one. I want to protect this little boy even though I feel like I still need to be protected. I feel like I’m responsible for making a life and throwing it into a beautiful tornado and the only thing I can do in the chaos is hope for the best. Maybe as he swirls around the black funnel, sparking with brilliant bursts of lightening all around him, he’ll see me with my hands folded, muttering his name over and over again to some ancient god, begging for providence and safe-keeping, and maybe my son will wave back to me across the distance as we swirl apart and rise together.”

Sward has also reportedly read a poem about fatherhood, which is just inexcusable.

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