Can I Borrow Your Chapstick?

Hey.  What’s up?  Hey, do you happen to have any Chapstick on you?  Because I’m a little dried out.  You know, winter and all.  My wife has the heat on full blast and my house is like a tin box.  Tin box.  Yeah, that’s a phrase.  Isn’t it something that means that something is really dry?  I thought that was a phrase.  Tin.  Tin can be dry.  Yes it is.  Well, I guess it’s not known for being particularly dry but I’ve seen some tin and it seemed pretty dry to me.  Anyways, we’re getting off the point.  The point was that I’m looking to use your Chapstick.

Why not?  What’s the big deal?  My lips are clean.  Really, if anything I should be concerned about what’s on your lips!  You’ve been using that thing for God knows how long.  It’s probably got years of dead skin and your germs and everything on it.  You should be happy to have my clean lips grace your lousy Chapstick.  Listen, haven’t you ever heard of biodiversity?  An intermingling of different germs actually makes for a healthier ecosystem.  There is too an ecosystem on your Chapstick.  Why not?  Well, that’s a dumb thing to say.

We’re getting off track here.  I could have used your Chapstick at this point, given my lips a quick “around the horn” and we’d be done with this conversation.  Now, I don’t want to come off as over-bearing or a tyrant, but I know you’ve got some Chapstick on you and I want you to pony it up like now.  Because.  Because if you don’t I’m not driving you home.  Call my bluff.  I’ll do it.  Then you’ll be out here at the camp site all alone and you’ll be lonely.  Why would I want to drive someone home if they can’t even share a one dollar thing of Chapstick!

I’m telling you that you’d better give me your Chapstick.  I see it in your pocket.  It is too.  It’s sticking out right there.  There’s the outline.  Dude, I’m serious.  I’m like getting mad now.  It was funny like two seconds ago but now it’s not funny.  Quit laughing and give me your Chapstick or else.  Or else I’m going to get pissed.  I’m serious.  Seriously dude!  I’m dead serious.

Yeah, not so funny now is it?  Not really smiling now are you?  It’s a pistol.  I don’t know a Glock or a Walther or something.  At the store.  The gun store!  Look,  all you need to know is that I have one pointed at you right now.  And you’re going to give me that Chapstick.  Or else I’m going to plug you full of holes.  That’s a phrase.  Yes.  Oh, I’ve heard it a million times.  On TV!  On like different TV shows!  Now hand over the Chapstick!

Well, that’s just great.  What a mess now.  You just had to be a hero.  You just had to push my buttons.  Was that worth it?  Now look at you.  Not going to be needing that Chapstick anymore will you?  Now I have it anyway and your sleeping with the angels.  That’s a phrase.  Let’s see what you were hiding from me…

Ewww…Blistex?  Forget it.  I’m brand loyal.

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