Month: January 2015

The Fifth Day

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Holocron Date 001.025.2015

It is insatiable, this thing. The dark only seems to make it louder, angrier, hungrier. The fifth night of this infernal standoff and my party has done what we can to neutralize the beast but it is to no avail. We find our ourselves trapped, running out of resources and delirious.

I have heard the beast’s caterwauls ring echo in the black of night, cloaking his exact location. I have seen him feast upon the bodily fluids of my companion, who, psychotic from sleep deprivation, simply sat back and allowed herself to be drained. I have smelled him as well. Oh, yes. I have smelled him.

My team is currently running diagnostic tests on a sample of the black sludge that the beast left in his wake during our last encounter. We believe it to be some sort of attractant, not unlike the adhesive nectar secreted by the Venus Fly-trap, luring prey in and enveloping them entirely.

It is yet possible that we will survive, however improbable it seems at this point. If we do make it out, my report to Central Command will be a grave warning to those who might encounter or attempt to replicate a beast of their own.

Hail To the Republic. Hail to Emperor Ctijin. May the Many Hosts have mercy on us.

Hark! The beast awakens…

Local Wussy Cries at the Birth of First Child

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Minnetonka, MN – Area resident and huge sissy James Sward was seen crying like a little girl when his first born son entered the world at St. Michael’s Women’s Hospital yesterday. Sward, who is known far and wide to be of a weak will and a feeble constitution, just couldn’t deal with the flood of conflicting emotions he experienced during the delivery. For those unfamiliar, emotions are things that only unblooded females feel prior to their 11th birthday.

Wiping tears from his eyes like some kind of coward, Sward attempted to suppress his outburst, which only made the subsequent discharge that much more embarrassing. “It’s like he’s in this world now,” said the silly, little nancy-boy. “And I’m happy for my new life and sad to be closing the chapter on an old one. I want to protect this little boy even though I feel like I still need to be protected. I feel like I’m responsible for making a life and throwing it into a beautiful tornado and the only thing I can do in the chaos is hope for the best. Maybe as he swirls around the black funnel, sparking with brilliant bursts of lightening all around him, he’ll see me with my hands folded, muttering his name over and over again to some ancient god, begging for providence and safe-keeping, and maybe my son will wave back to me across the distance as we swirl apart and rise together.”

Sward has also reportedly read a poem about fatherhood, which is just inexcusable.

Can I Borrow Your Chapstick?

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

Hey.  What’s up?  Hey, do you happen to have any Chapstick on you?  Because I’m a little dried out.  You know, winter and all.  My wife has the heat on full blast and my house is like a tin box.  Tin box.  Yeah, that’s a phrase.  Isn’t it something that means that something is really dry?  I thought that was a phrase.  Tin.  Tin can be dry.  Yes it is.  Well, I guess it’s not known for being particularly dry but I’ve seen some tin and it seemed pretty dry to me.  Anyways, we’re getting off the point.  The point was that I’m looking to use your Chapstick.

Why not?  What’s the big deal?  My lips are clean.  Really, if anything I should be concerned about what’s on your lips!  You’ve been using that thing for God knows how long.  It’s probably got years of dead skin and your germs and everything on it.  You should be happy to have my clean lips grace your lousy Chapstick.  Listen, haven’t you ever heard of biodiversity?  An intermingling of different germs actually makes for a healthier ecosystem.  There is too an ecosystem on your Chapstick.  Why not?  Well, that’s a dumb thing to say.

We’re getting off track here.  I could have used your Chapstick at this point, given my lips a quick “around the horn” and we’d be done with this conversation.  Now, I don’t want to come off as over-bearing or a tyrant, but I know you’ve got some Chapstick on you and I want you to pony it up like now.  Because.  Because if you don’t I’m not driving you home.  Call my bluff.  I’ll do it.  Then you’ll be out here at the camp site all alone and you’ll be lonely.  Why would I want to drive someone home if they can’t even share a one dollar thing of Chapstick!

I’m telling you that you’d better give me your Chapstick.  I see it in your pocket.  It is too.  It’s sticking out right there.  There’s the outline.  Dude, I’m serious.  I’m like getting mad now.  It was funny like two seconds ago but now it’s not funny.  Quit laughing and give me your Chapstick or else.  Or else I’m going to get pissed.  I’m serious.  Seriously dude!  I’m dead serious.

Yeah, not so funny now is it?  Not really smiling now are you?  It’s a pistol.  I don’t know a Glock or a Walther or something.  At the store.  The gun store!  Look,  all you need to know is that I have one pointed at you right now.  And you’re going to give me that Chapstick.  Or else I’m going to plug you full of holes.  That’s a phrase.  Yes.  Oh, I’ve heard it a million times.  On TV!  On like different TV shows!  Now hand over the Chapstick!

Well, that’s just great.  What a mess now.  You just had to be a hero.  You just had to push my buttons.  Was that worth it?  Now look at you.  Not going to be needing that Chapstick anymore will you?  Now I have it anyway and your sleeping with the angels.  That’s a phrase.  Let’s see what you were hiding from me…

Ewww…Blistex?  Forget it.  I’m brand loyal.

Questions

Posted on by Pittsburgh Comedian Jeff Konkle

I’ve got a lot of questions I’d just like to ask them now:

  • Why is it that when I see someone wearing the same t-shirt as me I get embarrassed?  Why do I feel that way?  Guess what, GAP’s Fall line only has so many items.  There’s going to be some overlap.
  • Why would anyone order their eggs over-easy?  That’s a disgusting way to go about life.
  • Why are we trying to save the tigers?  If the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t think tigers would really be that concerned.
  • When someone says have a good one, what is “one?”  If it means “day”, then that’s nice.  if it means “life”, then it comes off sarcastic.
  • Why do gas station attendants put a little, tiny, barely-visible baggie over a pump that isn’t working?  They must like seeing people pull up, get out of their car, and become immediately disappointed.
  • When I see a car abandoned on the side of the road, there is always a little plastic bag hanging from the window.  What is that?  Do cops make you do that?  What if you didn’t just go grocery shopping?
  • Why do State Troopers wear hats with chin straps that only go around the bottom of their lips?  Can’t we get longer chin-straps for Pete’s Sake?
  • Who is Pete?  Is it St. Peter?  If that’s the case, then it seems pretty casual way to refer to the guy who’s going to let you into heaven.
  • When you get to Heaven, are you allowed to sin?  I spent all this time on Earth being a good person, so I think I deserve to do a bit of shoplifting.