Pittsburgh, PA – In the midst of a yet another round of mumps breakouts in their locker room, Pittsburgh Penguins Equipment Manager Dana Heinze has vowed to cease the practice of having the entire team share one water bottle.
“Hockey’s all about little rituals,” said Heinze. “During the Stanley Cup run in 2009, we lost all of our water bottles but one during the trip to Detroit. And that one water bottle helped us win. We’ve probably held onto it for a bit too long.”
Much like a lucky jersey or glove, the water bottle had not been washed in over 5 years. A forensic medical team tested the bottle and found traces of mumps, typhoid fever, and malaria.
In addition to adding several water bottles, team officials have also stated that they’ll be looking at other long held organizational policies that may have contributed to the mumps epidemic, including making rookies share toothbrushes on road trips, taking showers with reclaimed water from the Braddock lock and dam, and open mouth kissing each other when celebrating goals.