Study: Andy Dalton’s Hair Contains Astronomical Levels of Beta-Carotine

Dayton, OH – Researchers at the the University of Dayton have announced a breakthrough revelation in the nutritional field.  “After intensive testing, we have discovered that Andy Dalton’s hair may be an untapped resource for gigantic levels of the organic compound beta-carotine,” said Dr. Andrew Munhall.  “This discovery may lead to a nutritional watershed moment where the vitamin deficiencies which cause vision problems, skin abnormalities or frequent bodily infections may be a thing of the past for humanity.”

Beta-carotene belongs to a group of provitamins which are related to vitamin A, called carotenoids. Their reddish-violet pigment imparts color to many edible plants.  The study shows that three strands of the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s hair may contain as much beta-carotene as 40 carrots, 13 medium-sized pumpkins or 25 sweet potatoes.

The University has partnered with SportClips as part of a new mission to rid the world of cataracts.  Dr. Munhall explained, “The trade-off of course is getting a large population to eat Andy Dalton’s hair.

Pittsburgh Penguins to Stop “One Water Bottle for the Whole Team” Policy

Pittsburgh, PA – In the midst of a yet another round of mumps breakouts in their locker room, Pittsburgh Penguins Equipment Manager Dana Heinze has vowed to cease the practice of having the entire team share one water bottle.

“Hockey’s all about little rituals,” said Heinze.  “During the Stanley Cup run in 2009, we lost all of our water bottles but one during the trip to Detroit. And that one water bottle helped us win.  We’ve probably held onto it for a bit too long.”

Much like a lucky jersey or glove, the water bottle had not been washed in over 5 years.  A forensic medical team tested the bottle and found traces of mumps, typhoid fever, and malaria.

In addition to adding several water bottles, team officials have also stated that they’ll be looking at other long held organizational policies that may have contributed to the mumps epidemic, including making rookies share toothbrushes on road trips, taking showers with reclaimed water from the Braddock lock and dam, and open mouth kissing each other when celebrating goals.

World’s First: Rhyme

In 100 BC, the world had not known the pleasure of hearing a sonorous rhyme.  The epic poem “The Bhagavad Gita” was being written somewhere in India at the time, but the first true rhymes, where corresponding sounds are strategically placed amongst and between words, were being spoken in Ancient Norway.  We join OLAV TRAGSOON, a local Viking, at a mead brewery with his friends HARALD FAIRHAIR and KNUT ALFEREDDSON.

OLAV:   And as I set fire to his house, I said “Grab at it all you want, but that’s not my torch!”

HARALD: Haha!   That truly is a worthy jest.

KNUT: You’re japes are simply the best Olav.

OLAV: Well, I always say: With a jape and a jest, I am the best.

HARALD AND KNUT are silent.

HARALD: What did you just say?

OLAV: With a jape and a jest, I am the best.

KNUT: Something is wrong.  The words you say are similar.  Yet the way you said the sentence makes it difficult to forget.

OLAV: Impressive, isn’t it?

HARALD draws his club.

HARALD: What kind of sorcery have you produced, Tragsoon?  A word is a thing unto itself and its mimicry is an abomination.

OLAV: It is quite easy.  Try it.  Take one word and follow it with a word that sounds like the first.

KNUT: A rowboat is…like…a…battle axe!

OLAV: Not quite.

KNUT: My wife is a…blue…wife?

OLAV: It’s maybe harder than it seems.  Harald, give it a whirl.

HARALD: Hmm…the sea is like me?

OLAV: Not bad!

KNUT: Oh, I’ve got one now.

Odin’s raven flies on clouded, silken wings.
The flap and caw of carrion portend to many things.
But lo, the aisle of Agnafit is where the warriors roam,
On silken wings I fall before the All-Father’s throne.

OLAV & HARALD look at each other.  HARALD then clubs KNUT to death.

OLAV: Nice poem, pansy…

HARALD: I know, right?

World’s First: Garbage Can Salesperson

The year is 400 BC.  A Sumerian Salesman named Mestothia has invented a new tool that will one day save mankind. However, his idea is far-fetched and abstract for people at the time. We join him during his door-to-door sales pitch in Uruk, a thriving city.

Homeowner: So let me get this straight, you want me to buy a container to organize and store my garbage?

Mestothia: Yes, that’s the gist of it.

Homeowner: Just to be clear, my goat bones, rotten okra, and other scraps of papyrus you’d like me to put into a container and seal it up like I would keep flour or rice that I’m trying to keep fresh?

Mestothia: I know this seems strange, but the crows and the rats won’t be able to eat your garbage that way.

Homeowner: I don’t understand.  What is your issue with the crows and the rats?

Mestothia: Well it just seems to me that whenever they’re around a lot of people get dysentery. I believe 15 of your sons died from that last month, correct?

Homeowner: Yes that is true.

Mestothia: Plus, won’t you find your house more aesthetically pleasing if you weren’t always having to dump giant piles of decomposing refuse on the street?

Homeowner: So what am I supposed to do with this container when it is full?

Mestothia: Well….I guess you just take it a dump it out onto the street. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead, to be honest.

Homeowner: And how much is this selling for?

Mestothia: I’m not as concerned with price as I am with building a movement. So for you I would be willing to give it away to you for two copper coins.

Homeowner: Hmm….I don’t think this is for me right now.  This idea is not a good idea.  You need to invent something that solves a problem for instance some type of machine that will make rain happen or that kills the mongrel Assyrians or a sandal that actually provides some heel support.

Mestothia: Ok the garbage can might not be for you. But I do have another invention. It’s called a toilet…


Review of Last Night’s SNL Episode Written by Someone Who Desperately Wants to Work There

Last night’s SNL episode proved yet again to be an instant classic.  James Franco and Nikki Minaj are both huge draws in and of themselves so I was excited to see what the incredibly talented and hilarious writing staff had in store for them.

Cold Open: Al Sharpton Politics Nation V – In my book, you can’t go wrong with Keenan Thompson.  I know some people were critical of this piece because it didn’t have a lot of bite.  But what do you want them to do?  They have to be responsible here, you know?  At the end of the day it is a business.  So this was a nice, even way to start out the night.

Monologue – James Franco looked comfortable on stage, which made the writing during the sketch really pop.  I mean, whoever is writing these opening monologue sketches is absolutely knocking it out of the park.  Maybe it’s just me but I think that my sense of humor fits in well with this group.

Peter Pan Live / Tonkerbell II – Aidy Bryant is awesome and I just don’t understand how the writing staff can churn out a sketch like this on short notice.  It would take normal people several days to just come up with the idea for this type of sketch.  The writers must be under a lot of pressure.  I’ve dealt with a lot of pressure in my job too.  And, I know it’s not the same thing, but I’ve had to meet some pretty crazy deadlines myself.  So the environment is nothing new to me.

Star Wars Teaser – I think this sketch had incredible production values.  I’d like to meet the cinematographer for these.  I don’t have a lot of experience with lighting and blocking and whatnot, but I’m very willing to learn.

Jingle Ballerz – This was just a hodgepodge of great impressions.  It showed that the entire cast is talented and would probably be great to work with.  I can just see it.  Staying up late on Tuesday night getting your sketches ready for the Wednesday table read.  Seeing the celebrities that you’ll be working with and pitching sketches to the incredibly talented cast.  I don’t know about you, but sounds like a good work environment to me.  Almost like a dream job or something.

Grow-A-Guy – This sketch showcased the new talent with Beck Bennett and Sasheer Zamata standing out.  I think this influx of new blood signifies an exciting change in the future vision of the show.   I mean, the tradition of SNL is like part of American culture now, you know?  So it has to have something to say.  It must be such a huge honor to be there on a day-to-day basis.

Magic Bridge – This sketch was solid even if it was a bit goofy.  I wonder if the writing staff’s mind was elsewhere.  Maybe they were thinking about their annual enrollment for medical benefits.  Is that something they do there?  Or is there like a rolling period where they can make adjustments?

Weekend Update – Not that medical benefits are a game-changer though.  I’d definitely still join up if I had the chance, even if they didn’t have a comprehensive plan.  I mean it’s going to be tough since I have a  family but I’m sure we could make something work.

New Password – But moving to New York, jeez…that’s a high cost of living market.  Let’s look up some places on Zillow…

Kid Mayor – Oh man!  I had heard your money doesn’t stretch very far there, but that’s ridiculous.  I could live in a mansion around here for that price.  And I think you have to pay for parking too.

Sunseeker Yachts – Maybe my wife could stay here and I could live up there for a few months at a time.  Yikes.  That probably wouldn’t go over well.  That’s not exactly what she signed up for.  Think if she did that to you!  You’d be so pissed!

Overall: I mean don’t get me wrong…I’d like to do it…it’s just…I don’t know.  It’s kinda risky.  Maybe I could just submit some jokes to Fallon or something.

Other notes:

– I’ll bet I could get Lorne Michaels to laugh during my audition.

– Vanessa Bayer, could I get your e-mail address?  I might have some follow-up questions later in the day.

– Those tours of Rockefeller Center aren’t as heavily guarded as you’d think.