There’s a show on MSNBC called “The Profit.” It features Marcus Lemonis, a venture capitalist, investing in failing businesses and turning them around. It’s a great show but it gets very repetitive:
- Marcus learns about quaint business and their financial troubles. “I put $750,000 into this hot dog stand.”
- Family Patriarch reveals that he has “risked everything” for the business.
- Marcus meets son/daughter of proprietor. Usually they are an industrious open-minded, go-getter with big ideas that can’t get implemented because their dad is stuck in the past.
- Marcus makes offer to buy a portion of the business. He is typically very sun-burned.
- Marcus suggests surface-level changes that only an idiot wouldn’t have seen. “Ok, what if we put the merchandise on some sort of sales floor?”
- It is revealed that family patriarch fudged a portion of the business, leading Marcus to lose trust. “A party boat is not a tax write-off.”
- Emotional conversation between patriarch and son/daughter. Marcus is increasingly sun-burned.
- Changes are being made. Montage of graphics saying “Margin increase” and “ROI.”
- 5 minutes left in the show. They are not going to wrap this up on time.
- Last minute re-cap of the new business with no closure whatsoever.
Out here at the Latrobe Fraternal Order of Eagles. It must be nice because everyone is drunk. Everyone is driving. And everyone’s son-in-law is a State Trooper.
Shouldn’t I feel like a man by this point? Shouldn’t I feel like I know what the hell I’m doing? I feel like I’m constantly presenting my masters thesis on my manliness and it’s just getting shut down. The review panel is just a US soldier, my dad, and a guy who works at Jiffy Lube.
Me: Well I’m married, does that make me a man?
Me: I have a job and provide for my family. Does that make me a man?
Me: Ooh! I got her pregnant. That’s got to make me a man.
Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Please…
Me: Well damn…I…uh…I patched some drywall last week.
The Panel covers their respective microphones and has a sidebar conversation.
Soldier: How big was the piece of drywall?
Me: About one foot by 6 inches.
Dad: How did the hole get there?
Me: I…uh…punched a wall when Roethlisberger threw an interception.
Another sidebar conversation.
Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Thank you. We’ll be in touch.
For those people planning to over-imbibe tonight for the Steelers game, I’d like to present you a new recipe for a drink I believe can unseat the Bloody Mary from its throne as the best drink to cure a hangover:
The Pink Bath
7 oz. of Pepto Bismol
2 oz. of Grey Goose vodka
1 small lemon wedge
2 crushed Excedrin
Pour Pepto and vodka into a clean drink shaker. Add 2 ice cubes to chill. Crush Excedrin tabs and place them in a dish. Wet the rim of the glass and dip into the powder. Take Pepto and vodka mix and pour into glass. Squeeze lemon wedge on top as a garnish.
Drink this. Eat a piece of burnt toast. Turn your cell phone off. Close the blinds and watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers