Marcus Lemonis’ “The Profit” Script Template


There’s a show on MSNBC called “The Profit.”  It features Marcus Lemonis, a venture capitalist, investing in failing businesses and turning them around.  It’s a great show but it gets very repetitive:


  1. Marcus learns about quaint business and their financial troubles.  “I put $750,000 into this hot dog stand.”
  2. Family Patriarch reveals that he has “risked everything” for the business.
  3. Marcus meets son/daughter of proprietor.  Usually they are an industrious open-minded, go-getter with big ideas that can’t get implemented because their dad is stuck in the past.
  4. Marcus makes offer to buy a portion of the business.  He is typically very sun-burned.
  5. Marcus suggests surface-level changes that only an idiot wouldn’t have seen.  “Ok, what if we put the merchandise on some sort of sales floor?”
  6. It is revealed that family patriarch fudged a portion of the business, leading Marcus to lose trust.  “A party boat is not a tax write-off.”
  7. Emotional conversation between patriarch and son/daughter.  Marcus is increasingly sun-burned.
  8. Changes are being made.  Montage of graphics saying “Margin increase” and “ROI.”
  9. 5 minutes left in the show.  They are not going to wrap this up on time.
  10. Last minute re-cap of the new business with no closure whatsoever.

Defending My Man Thesis

Shouldn’t I feel like a man by this point?  Shouldn’t I feel like I know what the hell I’m doing?  I feel like I’m constantly presenting my masters thesis on my manliness and it’s just getting shut down.  The review panel is just a US soldier, my dad, and a guy who works at Jiffy Lube.

Me: Well I’m married, does that make me a man?

Soldier: No.

Me: I have a job and provide for my family.  Does that make me a man?

Dad: Nah…

Me: Ooh!  I got her pregnant.  That’s got to make me a man.

Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Please…

Me: Well damn…I…uh…I patched some drywall last week.

The Panel covers their respective microphones and has a sidebar conversation.  

Soldier: How big was the piece of drywall?

Me: About one foot by 6 inches.

Dad: How did the hole get there?

Me: I…uh…punched a wall when Roethlisberger threw an interception.

Another sidebar conversation.

Guy Who Works at Jiffy Lube: Thank you.  We’ll be in touch.

New Hangover Cure

For those people planning to over-imbibe tonight for the Steelers game, I’d like to present you a new recipe for a drink I believe can unseat the Bloody Mary from its throne as the best drink to cure a hangover:

The Pink Bath

  • 7 oz. of Pepto Bismol
  • 2 oz. of Grey Goose vodka
  • 1 small lemon wedge
  • 2 crushed Excedrin
  • Pour Pepto and vodka into a clean drink shaker. Add 2 ice cubes to chill. Crush Excedrin tabs and place them in a dish. Wet the rim of the glass and dip into the powder. Take Pepto and vodka mix and pour into glass. Squeeze lemon wedge on top as a garnish.

    Drink this. Eat a piece of burnt toast. Turn your cell phone off. Close the blinds and watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers