Secret Service Stricken with Case of Senioritis

President Obama walking through a field. The men two his left and right are unidentified.

Washington, D.C. – After an unauthorized security consultant shared an elevator with President Obama was found to armed, critics are pointing fingers at a soon to be departing Secret Service for recent lapses in Presidential Security.  This follows an incident last week where an unstable individual storming the White House lawn brandishing a knife.

Director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson gave testimony to a House sub-committee regarding the recent lapses in Presidential security.  “I don’t know,” Pierson testified to a panel.  “It’s just like, I mean he’s only going to be President for a few more months.  After that we’re outta here, man.”  She then lit a Marlboro cigarette and took a long, defiant drag.  “Once February of 2016 is here, it’s like freedom, you know.  No more people telling us what to do and whatever.”  Pierson had plans to apply to be a Director of Security at a few colleges but never really got around to it.

“I wish you guys would just get off my case already.” – Julia Pierson

In a subcommittee hearing, Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, asked Pierson, “Well, what are you going to do?  You have to do something after the next election.  You’re not just going to sit around here all day.”

Pierson responded by putting on her Beats by Dre headphones and turning up the Paramore song on her I-pod.

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